So I've been debating about whether or not to post this. When I first started blogging, it was a way to get all of my emotions out without burdening anyone I know with them. It was cathartic. I'm somewhat of a private person when it comes to anything emotional. I'll tell people almost anything, but I don't like people seeing the emotional side of me. I always worry that they'll think I'm crazy. So the blog was a great way to get it all out of my system, then go on about my business as if I've got it all together.
But then people started reading my blog, and I told people that I knew about it. It's a double-edge sword. You want people to read your stuff, but then you start feeling like you can't be yourself because people are reading. And I definitely regret writing anything about Mark. I can't imagine it's very pleasant to read someone picking apart all of your actions in a public forum. So, lately I've been trying to keep things light. But that sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? So I'm trying to stop being so embarrassed about showing emotion. That being said, I'll keep the emo stuff to a minimum. And, since I have been very philosophical (read: moody and a little blue) today, I figured there's no time like the present to start. But I'm guessing I've lost most people after the first paragraph, so no big deal, right?
Here's the thing. With my 10-year high school reunion looming, I've been getting pretty depressed. By the time I graduated, I had my entire life mapped out. Married by 25, kid by 28, successful, happy, and wealthy. The whole shebang. Well, I'm 28, not married, no kids (thank gawd), not really all that successful (I know my shit at work, and people within the company know my name, but I definitely wouldn't say I'm successful), and I definitely don't fall into the high-income category. All this time, I have been putting so much pressure on myself and beating myself up about all of the things that I haven't accomplished, instead of focusing on the positive. And that's probably why I haven't had a successful relationship. I wanted so desperately to have it all- the sweet, caring, loving, perfect man that I became needy. I hate the person I've become in this whole Mark situation. I hate the fact that I wanted so much for things to work, and clung so hard to any hope, that I probably did more than my fair share of pushing him away- along with any man that I've dated in the past 5 years. I wanted to get married and have a baby before I was too old. I didn't want to be an old mom.
I was thinking today, and the thing is, I'm not even really sure if I want kids. I think that because it is what you are supposed to do, you convince yourself that it's what you actually want. In all honesty, I really don't like kids all that much. Sure, they can be cute sometimes, and I would love to dress up a little girl in cute clothes, but they can also be excrutiatingly annoying. Every time I walk through a store, I hear kids screaming and whining. And I like being able to do what I want, when I want. Also, when you go on trips, did you know that you also have to buy a seat for your kid? Plane tickets are expensive (especially right now), and that's less money you have to spend on yourself. Yes, I realize I'm greedy, bt I like having nice things and kids are damn expensive. I haven't completely ruled them out, but at least I'm not putting that pressure on myself anymore.
So why do I need to get married soon? There's really no reason I can think of anymore. Sure, I don't like being lonely, but I've found that I am almost always lonely- whether I'm around people or not (it's a pisces thing). So how would having someone in my life change that? It wouldn't. I would still be just as lonely as I am now. I do want to get married some day, but what's the rush?
With that said, I've decided that I don't want any kind of real relationship until I'm 30. That gives me a year and a half to do things for myself. If I honestly don't want anything, it takes the pressure off me. I can actually enjoy my life and stop stressing about relationship bullshit. I can stop letting guys get to me. I'm not saying I won't date, because I have tried that, and with very little success. I will date, but not with any intention of having anything serious with anyone. I'm closing myself off from any possibility of a serious relationship. I need time to get over all of my crap and to really feel completely comfortable by myself.
So there you have it. In the future, I'll try to keep this emotional crap off the blog. But this was just something I needed to get off my chest. For those of you who read it all, thanks for hanging in there. Kudos to you.
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honestly don't care. For some reason, I am finally realizing that I deserve better. It may have something to do with the much-needed attention I got last night (sorry, no details), or the great conversations with my male blogger friends (who are genuinely sweet guys), but I have no desire to be treated like that anymore. I think my relationship-masochism has finally run it's course. I am completely indifferent to anything he says or does. I don't even care that he's dating someone. Fuck, I don't care if I never see him again.
So, unless I'm just having an "I'm Every Woman" day, this is the last time you'll hear anything about him. I finally deleted him from my phone, and it felt fucking fantastic. Things are most certainly looking up.
