MySpace Trainwrecks Part Deux

Monday, April 24, 2006

So, after my first MySpace post got quite a bit of attention, I realized that there must be more than just my blogger buddies out there that love to laugh at some of these carnival freak-show pictures. So, since you all love to look at the trainwrecks on MySpace, I bring you Part Deux.

Since I had no trouble finding the crazies in Alaska the first time, I took another look at our friends to the north. I think Meltz was right when he said, "what do you expect? Those people don't see the friggin' sun for three months a year." Apparently, living in darkness really does affect one's sanity.

Our first friend is Chas. Chas is a 48 year-old man from Anchorage. His friends list looks like a spread for "Beefcake Magazine." Now, I'll admit, Chas is not a bad looking guy, but I think a picture is worth a thousand words. And as you scroll through his pictures, they get racier and racier. The first row of pics he's completely dressed; in the next row he's showing a little more skin; and finally, in the third row he's showing what his momma gave him. Quite an interesting spread, Chas, but I would think a man of your age would want to show a little more class (or is that what the tie is for?). Oh, and by the way, the white socks are a real nice touch.

Next, we have Danielle. Now, I know all of you guys will be drooling over this lovely gem of a woman, but, sorry to tell you, she prefers tacos to sausage. Sorry guys. But if she strikes the fancy of any of you ladies, feel free to shoot me an email, and I'll be happy to send you her MySpace info (just in case you are planning a weekend trip to Anchorage).

Danielle is 19, and- get this- has a strange obsession with Eminem. Maybe she feels she shares a love of white trash with him, but I would think that a lady that loves the ladies would hate everything about Slim Shady. According to the interests that she has listed, the ever-classy Danielle loves girls, porn (who doesn't?), and "of course- Eminem." Of course.

Here's an idea, Danielle: if you are going to post half-naked shots of yourself all over the internet, you may want to take a hint from Chas, and coordinate your bra and underwear, because the patterned red cotton bikinis go SO well with the white cotton bra. And while you're at it, you also may want to find some way to hide all of those bruises. Nothing says "Classy Woman" like a a scattering of bruises.

And, now....to quote my favorite news anchor...."Your moment of zen:"


Words cannot describe how classy this picture is.

12 comments:

ilikemonkeys 4/24/2006 03:29:00 PM  

Yummy. Danielle is just a few fresh stitches away from being my ideal woman.

team gingerbread 4/24/2006 04:15:00 PM  

I'm confused, is that a dress that she's wearing or a towel?

You stay classy Danielle

mgc 4/24/2006 04:29:00 PM  

i think she is a super hero with that crime fighting outfit she is sporting.

and chas, if the end of a tie can hide your junk, you might want to rethink you photo shoot. and lastly, chas, how gay do you have to be to leave your white socks on. are you limited to the amount of oxygen you are allowed up there as well as the sun?

AlienCG 4/24/2006 04:42:00 PM  

Why do I suddenly have this urge to avoid Alaska at all costs?

Ashburnite 4/24/2006 06:50:00 PM  

monkeys- I'm sure she has had some stitches at some point. But I think the sweatbands must make up for the lack of stitches. no?

gbread- I was wondering that myself. Although, I don't really want to stare at the pic long enough to figure it out.

mgc- you took the words right out of my mouth.

alien- come on, you know you want her.

nicole 4/24/2006 08:03:00 PM  

Any word from Wonkette yet...? ;)

Ashburnite 4/24/2006 08:55:00 PM  

nicole...not yet, but I've got my fingers crossed.

Anonymous,  4/25/2006 01:11:00 AM  

Yes, Ash. NO quicker way to duplicate a successful post than to one one on almost the exact same topic.

It is pretty sad that all a sub-mdiocre girl needs to do to get guys to drool over her is to claim she's 19 and pose in mismatched underwear. Yet another reason I hate myspace.

I was reading an article in the Alaska Airlines In-FLight magazin on commerce in Anchorage the other day. Did you know they have the busiest cargo airport in the owrld when it comes to overall tonage? Can you comehow tie this in with these winners? I'm not sure

Tara 4/25/2006 08:39:00 AM  

This is hilarious! God, these people are so....ICK!!

I used to work with a woman from Alaska, and I really couldn't stand her at all. Now if she winds up on MySpace, well, as George Costanza says on Seinfeld "there's not enough voltage in this world to electro-shock me back into coherence."

AlienCG 4/25/2006 07:51:00 PM  

I think these two should get together. They'd make a really cute couple. He could wear the wedding gown.

By the way, Ash, you've been linked.

minijonb 4/25/2006 10:12:00 PM  

really funny stuff. it borders on being NSFW with all those really hot looks from Danielle and the Red Hot Chili Pepper-esque sock action =;-) i don't even want to get started on her Eminem fixation.

Ashburnite 4/26/2006 09:13:00 AM  

anon- come on, you know you want her. although, I don't think the guys were her target audience.

Tara- I'm just hoping that somewhere out there is a normal person from Alaska.

alien- yeah, I think that would be a problem...she likes girls and I'm pretty sure he prefers sausage. Thanks for the link.

jon- I didn't think about the NSFW thing, until I was going through my blogroll and realized it was right next to Danielle's classy spread.

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