Sad. Angry. Numb. Angry. Sad.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It has taken a little time for me to write this, and I'm sure I'll have to keep stopping to collect my thoughts. On the morning of May 2, my baby cousin was killed when a school bus failed to yield and made a left turn in front of his motorcycle. He was killed on impact. His dental records were needed to identify him. He was only 23. In the 13 days since the accident, I have been going through a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts. I should have spent more time with him. Every time I saw him he would say, "(Ash), we need to have lunch together soon," or "I don't see you enough." I can't help but be overcome with guilt. I wish I had spent more time with him. We spent summers together in Solomons, MD, but other than that, I didn't see him often enough.

Brian was unbelievably optimistic. He had a smile that would melt your heart. He could always make me laugh and never had a bad word to say about anyone. And now I will never see that smile again. And it breaks my heart.

I went to Solomons this weekend with my aunt, uncle and cousin (his mom, dad and sister). We had reserved a cottage six months ago and Brian was so excited about it. He couldn't wait to get out on the boat with his dad and I- the captain and his two first mates. My uncle and I went for a ride on the boat yesterday and it just felt empty.

I'm also angry. Angry at that damn bus driver- if I ever see her, God help her. Angry at Brian for leaving us. And angry at the priest who performed the memorial service who took the opportunity to give mass instead of honoring the memory of my little cousin. The priest who told us "Brian won't get into heaven just because he was a good person. Nobody gets into heaven that way." Well, mister- fuck you. Brian was an unbelievable person and most certainly will be in heaven.

I don't even know why I'm writing this- I guess I just needed to vent.

My baby cousin and his girlfriend

My family mourning at the crash site.


team gingerbread 5/15/2007 08:57:00 PM  

Ash, I'm so sorry for your loss and my well wishes are with you and your family.

Carrie M 5/15/2007 08:57:00 PM  

I'm so sorry, Ash. So sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

E :) 5/16/2007 12:21:00 AM  

I am so sorry. My best wishes go out to you and your loved ones during this time of healing.

MappyB,  5/16/2007 05:58:00 AM  

My deepest condolences to your family; you guys are in my thoughts. What a horrible loss - Brian sounds like he was an amazing person and loved by many. I'm so sorry...

I-66 5/16/2007 07:21:00 AM  

My condolences to the aggrieved.

suicide_blond,  5/16/2007 08:33:00 AM  

heartbreaking... im sorry...

David in DC 5/16/2007 10:20:00 AM  

Good gracious. I'm so sorry for your loss. We're all thinking of you and your family.

The priest sounds like an insensitive boob. I'm glad you see his behavior for what it is.

minijonb 5/16/2007 01:00:00 PM  

Damn. Sorry for your loss. It's good you and your family are helping each other out in this situation.

friend jason,  5/17/2007 09:32:00 AM  

I am so sorry hon.. I know what you are dealing with. Please call me if you need to talk

The Diva's Thoughts 5/17/2007 11:41:00 AM  

Wow!!! This is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

Bethany 5/18/2007 09:40:00 PM  

I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like calling all of my cousins right now, especially the ones I only see once a year, at most.

Velvet,  5/22/2007 06:06:00 PM  

I'm right along with the rest when I say, I'm sorry.

I'm going to put my two cents in, in the form of a P.S.A. to all non-motorcycle vehicle operators. I ride a Harley (cough, not very well) and I continue to be amazed at the stupid things people do in and around motorcycle riders on the roads. The oncoming vehicle accident, like with Brian, is the #1 killer of Motorcycle riders. A co-worker of mine lost his wife in the same manner.

I have a small bike, and I never understood why people get those huge road king cruisers that are half the size of a car. But, now I get it. If I don't stay in the center of my lane and literally try to HOG the road, cars just drive alongside me. It's unbelievably ridiculous. It's like, "Yo! I'm not a scooter!"

A guy said to me at the dealer, "Ma'am, loud pipes save lives." Not always though.

Shopgirlove 5/25/2007 07:14:00 PM  

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

You have been a guide to many of us who are new to this very public world. If there is anything we can do for you, know that there is an incredible community that would love to support you in your time of need.

I cannot imagine the pain that you are experiencing right now. Whatever you feel would help you, please let us know.

We are here for you.

Beakerz 5/30/2007 09:54:00 PM  

Omg. I can't express how sorry I am for you and your entire family and group of friends. I covered my mouth in shock as my heart started to beat faster reading your post.

Please be well in this trying time and know that there are lots of us that care.

Anonymous,  6/02/2007 01:46:00 AM  

Look, it's terrible that you feel this loss, even worse that it's reality...but you really need to stay in touch with us. We like reading you and for you to stop being in contact is just not right.

David in DC 6/05/2007 10:15:00 PM  

Anonymous: That may be the most selfish comment I've ever read. It's surely among the most clueless.

Anonymous,  6/12/2007 12:14:00 AM  

david in dc: you just don't know where I'm coming from. I'm not a part of your group...I'm someone anonymous person out here far away who's been reading the blog. Yes, I happened to have had a few drinks the night I posted, so, maybe something was amiss. But my point is that I am terribly sorry for the loss and that I miss hearing from this blogger. That's all.

Ricardo 6/21/2007 01:58:00 PM  

I'm catching up on your blog and I'm so sorry to read this.

Ash, please accept my condolences. All my thoughts and all my prayers are with you and your family.

honeykbee 6/28/2007 09:01:00 PM  

I don't know what else to say, besides *virtual hugs*

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