Sad. Angry. Numb. Angry. Sad.

It has taken a little time for me to write this, and I'm sure I'll have to keep stopping to collect my thoughts. On the morning of May 2, my baby cousin was killed when a school bus failed to yield and made a left turn in front of his motorcycle. He was killed on impact. His dental records were needed to identify him. He was only 23. In the 13 days since the accident, I have been going through a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts. I should have spent more time with him. Every time I saw him he would say, "(Ash), we need to have lunch together soon," or "I don't see you enough." I can't help but be overcome with guilt. I wish I had spent more time with him. We spent summers together in Solomons, MD, but other than that, I didn't see him often enough.

Brian was unbelievably optimistic. He had a smile that would melt your heart. He could always make me laugh and never had a bad word to say about anyone. And now I will never see that smile again. And it breaks my heart.

I went to Solomons this weekend with my aunt, uncle and cousin (his mom, dad and sister). We had reserved a cottage six months ago and Brian was so excited about it. He couldn't wait to get out on the boat with his dad and I- the captain and his two first mates. My uncle and I went for a ride on the boat yesterday and it just felt empty.

I'm also angry. Angry at that damn bus driver- if I ever see her, God help her. Angry at Brian for leaving us. And angry at the priest who performed the memorial service who took the opportunity to give mass instead of honoring the memory of my little cousin. The priest who told us "Brian won't get into heaven just because he was a good person. Nobody gets into heaven that way." Well, mister- fuck you. Brian was an unbelievable person and most certainly will be in heaven.

I don't even know why I'm writing this- I guess I just needed to vent.

My baby cousin and his girlfriend

My family mourning at the crash site.