TV Slave

I've been a total slave to tv recently- especially given the most recent additions to my addictions: The Hills (which I can catch pretty much anytime on MTV), and Entourage (which I have to go to a friend's house to see on HBO On Demand). For the doubters, I give you my tv schedule:

Sunday: Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy

Monday: well, Monday isn't a major day, but I love Real World/Road Rules Challenge (Fresh Meat)

Tuesday: 2 hours of House. heaven. Plus, Rockstar:Supernova

Wednesday: Rockstar again

Thursday: My Name is Earl (genius), The Office (even more genius)

Friday: (when I'm home) NCIS, Las Vegas

Saturdays: Great Hotels (on Travel Channel)

And when the hell is Project Runway on?

yep...I'm pretty much a slave to TV.

And anyone that doesn't think Jeremy Piven is hot needs to take a look at these:

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Girl Kiss

I think it's abundantly clear to anyone that reads this blog that I am 100% straight. I love the men. Which is why the whole "girl-girl kiss" thing confuses me. No, I'm not confused about why men love it (you pervs), but rather my interest in it. Kassy posted about this awhile ago, but I had my own experience this weekend...I didn't do it, but I had the urge. Let me clarify. In college, I had one of these experiences. My roommate at the time and I made out (mostly for the entertainment of the guys in the room). It never went any further, and neither of us would have ever wanted it to, but we both really enjoyed the kiss.

Let me reiterate: I have absolutely no same-sex tendencies, and the only "girly parts" I want to have anything to do with are my own. I'm not even the slightest bit curious about it. However, there are girls that I would make out with. Not very many, but for some reason there have been a few. One of which I met Friday night. I went to happy hour at Pauli Moto's with the girls from work, and another blogger and one of his friends joined us. For some reason, his friend fell into that category. Maybe it was all of the martinis, but I honestly wanted to make out with her. Which surprised the hell out of me, given my love of the penis. Either way, nothing happened, but if she had been game, and the situation had been right, I totally would have done it.

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Gimmicks

For awhile now, I've been annoyed by the "new & improved" tagline on products. Most of the improvements are just gimmicks. For example, the Venus Vibrance. Do we really need a vibrating razor? A few months ago, I received a coupon for a free one from CVS (I do a LOT of shopping there, so I am constantly getting those "Extra Care" coupons. Anyways, while I would never spend money on the Vibrance, especially after all the bitching I did when it came out, I am always more than happy to get something for free. And let me just say, it lived up to my expectations- which were that it did exactly the same job as its non-vibrating counterpart.

Another example; KY Warming Liquid. This has got to be in the top five of "Dumbest Ideas Ever." Really, how many of us want something that warms in that area? I don't need to use it in one region, but I do in another; and trust me, I don't want anything getting warm there. Furthermore, it doesn't actually change temperature (yes, I tried it- but I didn't buy it). It feels more like a watered-down, less potent version of Icy Hot (don't ask how I know what Icy Hot feels like when applied to certain areas- you don't want to know). It felt like what I imagine an STD feels like in its beginning stages- a slight burning. And who in the hell is buying this stuff on Ebay? No, you aren't hallucinating- people are selling it on an auction site. I didn't look at any of them to see if they were new or used, but I sincerely hope people aren't selling half-used bottles of the stuff.

It all comes down to the fact that we Americans will purchase anything, and I mean anything, if companies "improve" on their already existent products. Regular KY: great product. KY Warming Liquid: shitty idea. Save your money for products that are actually useful.

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More Later....

Dumbest question today (and trust me, there have been a LOT of them):

(While standing in front of the meeting rooms)
"Excuse me miss, which room is the (Company's Name) meeting in?"

Answer:
"It's in the one with the sign on the door that says (Company's Name)."

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Always the Ex

I'm cursed. I know it sounds weird, but I must have pissed off someone in a previous life. I think you all know how bad my luck with men is. But what you don't know is that I am almost always a guy's last ex-girlfriend. It seems that a very large percentage of my ex's end up marrying the woman they date right after we break up. Don't believe me? Here's a break-down of the ones I know about:

1. Chris B- he was my first boyfriend. We dated during 7th and 8th grade. He was also my first french kiss. After we broke up, he started dating Delicia. They dated through the rest of high school, and college, and got married after college. They are still married today.
   
2. Rich N- we dated during 9th grade and part of 10th. He was the first guy to get to 3rd base with me. He dumped me to go out with Becky. They are still married.
   
3. Jeremy S- part of 11th grade and 12th grade (he was in college). Of course, the girl he broke up with me to date was the one he married.
   
4. Kris B- very long story. One of the 4 guys I've been head-over-heels in love with. But I'm not sure if he counts, since he cheated on me with her, got her pregnant, then married her. Either way, they are still together.
   
5. Austin M- Junior year in college. I dumped him- he married the next girl he dated.
   
6. Fabian C- Senior year in college. Another of my 4 real loves. Same story. Dumped me. Married to the next woman he dated.
   
7. Chad S- The year after I graduated. Married.
   
8. Adam O- dated him right after Chad and I broke up. Found out at the reunion that he started dated a girl a graduated with (Angie- a bitch), and they are now married.

These are only the ones that I know about. There have been a few guys that I've lost touch with. This may be why I panic after a break-up. Especially when I really care about the guy (ahem...MU).

So I think I should start a business. Make this into something positive.

Guys: want to meet the woman of your dreams?? Date me for a while. I guarantee that the next woman you date will be your dream girl.

I think I could make a fortune.

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Yep....Still Assholes

Yeah, so the class reunion was a big old waste of time. And money. You would think that after 10 years people would have grown up a little. Not so much. Let me tell you guys- $35 per person doesn't get you much at all- not even in rural Pennsylvania. They fed us pre-packaged sliced ham, canned potatoes, canned corn, and rolls- straight from a package. There was a keg of Miller Lite and a couple of bowls of punch- which was supposed to be alcoholic, but I'm seriously doubting that, considering I had about 30 glasses of it and absolutely no buzz.

On to the assholes.....

Remember how I told y'all that I was in lust with Pete all through high school, then we finally hooked up senior year? That hookup turned out to be (still) the worst (consentual) sex ever. I had only been with 2 guys before Pete. The first guy was basically because I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. I didn't want to be a virgin anymore. The second one was a guy I dated for about a year. Then there was Pete. It happened at his friend's house- he had picked me up after work. He didn't even drive me home afterwards- he had one of his friends drive me home- a friend who tried to get on me in the car. Pete also didn't talk to me after that night. So, needless to say, I hoped that he was bald and fat. Boy was I disappointed. He was even better-looking than in high school. He was downright hott. Bastard.

Then there's Audra. She was the definition of evil. She was Regina from Mean Girls. Absolutely heinous bitch. She made my life a living hell. And she wasn't even that pretty. So it pretty much goes without saying that I was praying that she was fat and ugly. Another disappointment. It seems someone has a very obvious eating disorder- and has had a LOT of..ummm.... "work" done. She's had more than one procedure. She finally got rid of that frying pan face...and finally waxed her moustache. I did, however, take comfort in the fact that she did look like a high-priced hooker. And she's still a total bitch. Didn't even say hi. Pete even said hi to me. Good riddance.

And would someone please tell me how it's possible that this girl didn't have a date to prom? She and a few of her friends went stag.
That's one of my secrets. Thought I'd share it with y'all. I didn't have a date to prom.

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Irrationally Stable

So I've been doing the gluten-free thing for a few days now, and although I miss bread and pasta, I have to admit- I feel 100% better. Even my mood has changed. I'm actually happy and even (gasp) cheerful. I haven't been irritable or moody at all.

After the reaction that I had the other day, I started looking into Celiac Disease (gluten allergy), and started realizing that a LOT of the symptoms I've had for quite a while are actually symptoms of Celiac. IBS, depression, acid reflux, skin irritations, mood swings, inability to lose weight, etc are all symptoms things that I've had to put up with for a few years now, and it's just amazing that in just 3 days, most of those things are gone. I am now irrationally stable. I've been so hyper that I'm scaring my co-workers and friends. All this time, I thought that the moodiness and irritability were just a part of my personality and I (and everyone around me) would just have to deal with it.

The downside- I cannot have bread, pasta, or anything made with flour. Ever. Pasta has been the main dish in my diet. I love pasta. I am constantly experimenting with different pasta dishes. That has to change. I'll miss it, but it's a small price to pay, I guess. I'm going to look at it this way: I can either eat pasta and look and feel the way I did; or I can not eat pasta and (potentially) lose a lot of weight and feel the way I do now. I guess it's worth it. Unfortunately, though, this diet is going to be a pain in the ass. I am going to have to start reading every ingredient on every label. And yes, White Dade, I am going to have to be one of those fucking "gluten-free" people. Sorry hun, but I promise not to call you and ask which supplements are gluten-free.

Anyways, sorry to bore everyone with my medical history, but I am just so excited about how I feel that I thought I'd share. That, and the fact that I couldn't think of anything to write about today.

I'm off to the country for my reunion, but I'll update Sunday when I get back. Hopefully I'll have lots of pictures off all of the assholes from my class looking like shit. I hope they're all fat :-).

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Birthday!!

Hey everyone...today is minijonb's birthday. So drop by one of his many blogs and wish him a happy birthday!

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Blogiversary

It's official. I have been blogging for 1 year now. It actually seems like it's been much longer than that. One year, 173 posts (I had a slow start).

It seems this week is full of milestones. I found out about another allergy- the hard way. It seems I'm allergic to wheat gluten. Fan-fucking-tastic. I only found this out yesterday, after I ate a 100% whole wheat english muffin, then broke out in hives. Great. The thing is, I've never had a reaction to wheat bread before...guess that just goes to show that when you buy wheat bread, it really isn't whole wheat- it's white bread with a little wheat flour and flavoring, dyed to look like whole wheat. Anyways, sorry I'm boring everyone with the details of my allergies.

The other milestone- this weekend is my 10 year high school reunion. Fuck, I'm old. I'm really not looking forward to this- I hated high school and most of the people in my class. I graduated with about 140 people, and most of them were snobby white trash (not to be confused with your garden-variety white trash). I was involved in a lot of activities, but wasn't very popular. I only moved to that small hick town in the middle of bumblefuck in the third grade, after living in Germany, New Jersey, and North Carolina. So you can image what a crazy, mixing-bowl accent I had (and still have when I am too drunk to cover it up). I also knew about other cultures, which apparently isn't acceptable to rednecks. Needless to say, I was made fun of for my accent, my knowledge of other cultures/religions/etc, and the fact that I liked to dress like a girl.

When I tell people that I was a cheerleader, they immediately assume that I was popular. Definitely not true. I was also in chorus, orchestra, track, f.b.l.a, and a majorette. So basically, I was a geek.

Anyways, I saw the list of the people coming to the reunion, and I am so not happy about it. One of the people I despised with a passion, and still to this day have absolutely no desire to see, is going to be there- with her fiance. Fucking great- Audra is engaged and I am still tragically single. Also in attendance- Pete- the guy I was in love with all through high school, who I ended up hooking up with at the end of my senior year (what a let-down that was), who turned out to be a complete prick....with his wife. Wonderful.

At least one of my best friends- whom I'm still friends with (she lives in the DC area as well) is going, too. We were commiserating on the phone the other night, and decided to spin our singledom in the most positive way possible. In other words, the whole "I can do what I want, when I want" line. While people are sending in pictures of their weddings and kids, we are sending in pictures of the things that we can afford because we don't have kids. I am sending a picture of my Prada bag, and one of me in Vegas. Maybe I'll even throw in one of the $80 facial cleanser that I have. She is sending in similar pictures. May as well make the best of a shitty situation.

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Male Blogger Personalities

It goes without saying that I adore all of my blogger friends, for all different reasons. You don't have to be a seasoned blogger to realize that all bloggers can be divided into different categories. A few of my favorite male bloggers fall into several categories. I've compiled a short list of the basic male blogger types, and the men I adore who fit into each category.

The Guy You'd Love to Date: This guy is so sweet, funny, and insightful that he'd make the perfect boyfriend. When you're down, he leaves sweet comments to brighten your day. When you cheering up, you can always go to his blog and find something to make you smile.
Examples: minijonb, mgc, aliencg, Ricardo.

The Writer: Although you may not agree with what he is saying, there's no denying that this blogger can write. The words just seem to come naturally to him. Whether he's writing an ode to his baby blue Saturn, or a post about a smoking chimp, he has your attention. Sometimes he offends you, but you always respect the guy's ability to put his thoughts into words.
Examples: White Dade, Bad at Life, Waiter.

The Random Thoughts guy: He doesn't stick to one subject or one writing style (sometimes not even in the same post). This guy keeps you coming back because you have absolutely no idea what he is going to post next. And it always turns out to be some insight into something you hadn't even considered. Some of these guys seem to suffer from ADD, but they always keep you entertained.
Examples: cody, mgc, I-66, Johnson, Raincouver, Andy, Brewer Patriot, Sammy.

The 'He really can't be that cocky' guy: This guy seems cocky and arrogant, but normally it's just his form of humor. There are times when you read his blog and think, "he really can't be that cocky, can he?" Usually the answer is no. Most of these guys are generally nice guys (at least the ones I've emailed/IM'ed/talked to). I don't know DCB personally, but considering some of the mutual friends we have, I really don't think he's as arrogant has his "I pump and dump" t-shirt would have you believe.
Examples: White Dade, Virgle Kent, DCBachelor.

So there you have it- a few of my favorite blogger guys and why I love them so much.

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Irresponsible!!

I am being irresponsible for a change! Went out and got drunk last night. Going out again tonight! Those of you who's phone numbers I have may get some drunk dials :-)

Anyone in DC who wants to see the elusive Ashburnite out drinking and making a public appearance should come to Sequoia tonight!

Later bitches!

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My Superpower

I've mentioned this before in passing, but I have a "superpower." And it sucks. I have super hearing. Kind of. My ears are extremely sensitive to certain sounds. Basically, anything loud. There are also certain pitches that are excruciating to my ears. I used to work with this girl (who would fit into the description of an IJC), who's voice was loud and nasally. When she was speaking in a normal tone, her voice was only mildly painful, but when she would get excited, her voice would go up an octave and get louder. I literally had to cover my ears. This is probably the reason for my intense dislike of whistling- it simply hurts my ears. In normal settings, I can also hear pretty much anything. Someone is talking on the phone two offices from mine with their door closed? Yep, I can hear it. It comes in really handy when bosses are in closed-door meetings and everyone in the office wants to know what's going on. I'm their spy-hero.

There is also a down-side to my superpower (other than certain sounds literally hurting my ears). In loud settings, or large crowds, I can not distinguish one sound from another. Even if a friend is right next to me, talking into my ear, I can not separate their voice from the surrounding noise. It's almost a sensory overload. It's the reason I don't go out to bars or clubs very often. And when I do go out, I usually end up just starting a tab at the bar and paying with my credit card- because I can't hear what the bartender is saying. I never know how much my drink is, so I just give the bartender the Visa, and find out what the damage was when I sign the check.

I'm not exactly sure where I got my superpower, since no one else in my family has it; although, I used to think my mom did- it seemed she heard everything. Maybe I was exposed to toxic waste as a baby. Or maybe I was born in a nuclear test site. Who knows.... all I know is that my power is virtually useless and keeps me from going out and partying.

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The Joys of StatCounter

Let me tell you all how much I love StatCounter. For those of you who already use it, hang in there- I know you already know what you can find out, but trust me, there is a point to this post. For those of you that don't know, there is a little counter on my blog. That links to StatCounter, where I can sign in and see exactly how many people have visited my blog, where they came from, and most importantly, their IP information (which, in some cases tells me exactly who they are).

So, to the douche that tried to report me for "questionable content" this morning at 6:43 AM, I know who you are. Even your ISP is on StatCounter, which if you were at work, is your company's name. Furthermore, just because you don't like something that someone has said, does not mean there is questionable content and their blog should be taken down. Trust me, Blogger doesn't just shut down a blog because someone doesn't like it- they investigate to see if there actually is anything questionable; which in my case there isn't. And by the way, as soon as I get a chance (and after you read this) your IP address will be blocked from this blog.

Now, normally I don't really pay attention to the stats, other than the number of visitors, because as some of you know, the free version of StatCounter only gives you the information of the most recent 100 visitors, so if you happen to get well over that 100 visitors a day, you won't be able to see most of the activity. However, when something interesting happens (in the comments section- usually), I do take a much closer look.

Here's a hypothetical situation to give you an example of how great StatCounter is. Say you notice that a certain IP address (in your area) has been popping up on the visitor activity several times a day, with no referring link. You wonder- this must be someone I know, since there was no link referring them to my blog. But you dismiss it, thinking nothing of it, because you can't think of anyone that you know that works for the company who shows up as the ISP. Now, say you post something (to finally get it off your chest) that has been on your mind for quite a while, but would hurt someone's feelings if they read it ; thinking that the person you wrote it about no longer reads your blog. Then, a strange thing happens. This friend suddenly visits your blog within a few hours of you posting it- and they comment. A little while later, their girlfriend comments and questions your motivation in being friends with him- even going so far as to imply that you may have not-so-good intentions (which you don't). Remember, this is all hypothetical.

This is where the greatness that is StatCounter comes in. You can look at the timestamp of her comment, along with the friend's comment. If you have statcounter, you can see who was reading your blog at that time. You may also notice that the friend was referred to your blog through their email- which means someone emailed them the direct link to that particular post. You compare the timestamp on the girlfriend's comment, and low and behold- she is that mystery visitor who has been trolling every day. She is also the one who emailed the post to her boyfriend, thus starting a shitstorm and pretty much ending a friendship.

So you start to wonder, what are her intentions? Why would she send him the link, knowing it would hurt his feelings? What was her reason for reading your blog so frequently? You know that your blog is great, and everyone should be reading it, but why,when you barely know her and she is not a blogger herself, would she be visiting you every day and never commenting? HMMM.......

But remember, this is a purely hypothetical situation.....

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Retraction

I want to thank everyone that commented on the last post. For obvious reasons, I deleted it. The friend "Jamie" read it and I feel terrible for hurting his feelings. But I will not apologize for the way I feel about the whole situation. The simple truth is that he hasn't been a friend to me. He turned his back on our friendship quite a while ago and has no idea of what I've been through. I can understand that he has been through a lot, and is really hurting. But no one has had a perfect life. We all have our issues, but that is no excuse for hurting the people who care about us. All I can say is that I hope "Jamie" someday finds happiness and is able to appreciate the things he does have. He is a good person and has a lot of people who care about him. I'll always care about him, but I have to look out for myself first and foremost.

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The Annoyance

Have you ever worked with someone who annoyed you so much that their mere presence pissed you off? Like as soon as they walk in the room, you are instantly annoyed? I work with someone like that. He falls into so many annoying co-worker categories that it is impossible even to come up with a good nickname for him, other than "The Annoyance". And trust me, I have tried to not be so annoyed, but I really can't help it. So here is a list of all of the categories he falls into, so maybe y'all can see where I'm coming from. And as I'm thinking of each category, I'm realizing that it all comes down to common courtesy. Of which he has none.

1. "The Stink": He bathes in cologne. Bad cologne. Cologne which I am allergic to. I suffer through every day with itchy, watery eyes...not to mention the constant sneezing. I don't know exactly which cologne it is, but it's horrible. Smells like a dirty old man. And he wears so much of it that you can tell exactly which parts of the hotel he has walked through within the last hour. It's even become a joke...someone will come in to the office in the morning, and even when he is in the lobby, they will say, "oh, I can tell (Mr. Stinky) is here today." Someone even mentioned to him that I was allergic to his cologne...he still wears it. Ignorance. I think it would take our GM telling him to stop bathing in it for him to see it as a problem.

2. "The Mouth": His office is 4 doors down from mine and around a corner, yet all day I hear him talking. It's obnoxious. And he uses a Nextel in the hallway between our offices. We all know how much I hate that. I generally don't like loud people...unless they are the fun kind of loud..and that's only in social settings. Maybe because I'm so quiet and don't see the need to speak loudly. You can make your point and be heard without sounding like you are talking to your 90 year-old deaf grandmother. It's just another thing that shows that he has no respect for other people.

3. "The Expert": He knows everything and every one...and wants to make damn sure we all know it. He is the expert on every subject. If you are going on vacation to Bora Bora, he lived there and can tell you exactly where to stay, eat, and go clubbing. He will tell you that country's socio-economic status, their average income, and population. Even if it's completely incorrect information. He just wants everyone to know that he knows everything. If you are going to get your MBA, he can tell you exactly which classes you need to take- screw the university's requirements..he knows more than they do. He will never admit to not knowing something; he'll just bullshit his way through. And by the way, most of what he says is complete bullshit.

4. The "Something to Add" guy: He always has to "add something" at every meeting. Even if it's completely irrelevant to what the meeting is about. This ties in pretty closely to "The Expert." Since he is the expert on every subject, he feels the need to enlighten everyone- or at least to try to convince everyone that he knows. Remember the "team retreat" I had last month? Well, we each had to give a presentation. Well, as soon as I heard Cute Boss say that he'd like participation from the group, I knew we were in trouble. The presentations were supposed to be each person's chance to shine (or, in some cases- like me-, try to get over a fear of speaking in front of people). Wouldn't you know that every single presentation became his presentation. He butted in and gave his "expert" opinion. Every. Single. Time.

5. "The One-Upper": No matter what you've done, he's done it better and faster. If you run for 90 minutes, 6 days a week, he runs for 4 hours, 8 days a week. Then he swims 12 miles and rides his bike 240 miles every weekend. The "one-upper" is arguably the most annoying office personality, and he does it with gusto. No matter where you've been, what you've done or are doing, he's done it. Better than you.

6. "The Whistler": One of my biggest pet peeves (and I know, I have quite a few of them) is whistling. It is one of the most inconsiderate things a person can do to the people around them. Maybe it's because I have such sensitive ears (certain pitches literally hurt my ears), but when someone around me is whistling, my ears feel like they do when I have a migrane...they throb. And he is constantly walking around whistling- very loudly.

7. "Mr. Money Bags"/"The Show-Off": Somehow, the guy is loaded- or at least he claims to be. And he has no problems telling everyone exactly how much money he has. Ooohh..."I just bought a townhouse that I'm renting out. Real estate is such a good investment. But then again, I didn't have to finance it...I just paid for it out-right." Here's a thought, Mr. Show Off: NO ONE CARES!

8. "Mr. Unfairly Promoted": Promoted probably isn't the right term, because the position he is in now is actually a lower position than he was in before the "promotion." But I can guarantee you that he didn't take a pay cut. He was in an executive position before- one in a completely different department which has almost nothing to do with what he is doing now. Now he's a catering manager. In order to be a catering manager in a hotel this size, with this much demand, a person has to have a LOT of relevant experience. He does not. He has never worked in catering. Yet, he wanted to try it, so they moved him into that position. I know for a fact that he makes more than either of the other catering managers- and they know their jobs and pretty much rock. So it's completely unfair to them. Now they have to teach him and hold his hand through the entire process, all the while knowing he is making more money than them and does not deserve the job. Before you say it, no I am not personally bitter about his "promotion," because there is no way in hell I'd want that job. It's just that our sales assistant knows that job, knows the hotel, and would have been great at that position, plus it would have been a great opportunity for her to move up, but she was never given the chance.

9. The "No Manners" Guy: If you are walking out the door behind him, he will not hold the door- he'll let it close in your face. He interrupts. He talks over people. He does not respect people's personal space. If you are trying to walk past him and he is blocking the way, he will not move. Basically, anything that you can think of that shows poor manners, he's guilty of it.


So there you have it. The reason I am so annoyed at work. And trust me, I am trying like hell to at least tolerate him (because I have no other choice). Any suggestions?

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A Philosophical Day

So I've been debating about whether or not to post this. When I first started blogging, it was a way to get all of my emotions out without burdening anyone I know with them. It was cathartic. I'm somewhat of a private person when it comes to anything emotional. I'll tell people almost anything, but I don't like people seeing the emotional side of me. I always worry that they'll think I'm crazy. So the blog was a great way to get it all out of my system, then go on about my business as if I've got it all together.

But then people started reading my blog, and I told people that I knew about it. It's a double-edge sword. You want people to read your stuff, but then you start feeling like you can't be yourself because people are reading. And I definitely regret writing anything about Mark. I can't imagine it's very pleasant to read someone picking apart all of your actions in a public forum. So, lately I've been trying to keep things light. But that sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? So I'm trying to stop being so embarrassed about showing emotion. That being said, I'll keep the emo stuff to a minimum. And, since I have been very philosophical (read: moody and a little blue) today, I figured there's no time like the present to start. But I'm guessing I've lost most people after the first paragraph, so no big deal, right?

Here's the thing. With my 10-year high school reunion looming, I've been getting pretty depressed. By the time I graduated, I had my entire life mapped out. Married by 25, kid by 28, successful, happy, and wealthy. The whole shebang. Well, I'm 28, not married, no kids (thank gawd), not really all that successful (I know my shit at work, and people within the company know my name, but I definitely wouldn't say I'm successful), and I definitely don't fall into the high-income category. All this time, I have been putting so much pressure on myself and beating myself up about all of the things that I haven't accomplished, instead of focusing on the positive. And that's probably why I haven't had a successful relationship. I wanted so desperately to have it all- the sweet, caring, loving, perfect man that I became needy. I hate the person I've become in this whole Mark situation. I hate the fact that I wanted so much for things to work, and clung so hard to any hope, that I probably did more than my fair share of pushing him away- along with any man that I've dated in the past 5 years. I wanted to get married and have a baby before I was too old. I didn't want to be an old mom.

I was thinking today, and the thing is, I'm not even really sure if I want kids. I think that because it is what you are supposed to do, you convince yourself that it's what you actually want. In all honesty, I really don't like kids all that much. Sure, they can be cute sometimes, and I would love to dress up a little girl in cute clothes, but they can also be excrutiatingly annoying. Every time I walk through a store, I hear kids screaming and whining. And I like being able to do what I want, when I want. Also, when you go on trips, did you know that you also have to buy a seat for your kid? Plane tickets are expensive (especially right now), and that's less money you have to spend on yourself. Yes, I realize I'm greedy, bt I like having nice things and kids are damn expensive. I haven't completely ruled them out, but at least I'm not putting that pressure on myself anymore.

So why do I need to get married soon? There's really no reason I can think of anymore. Sure, I don't like being lonely, but I've found that I am almost always lonely- whether I'm around people or not (it's a pisces thing). So how would having someone in my life change that? It wouldn't. I would still be just as lonely as I am now. I do want to get married some day, but what's the rush?

With that said, I've decided that I don't want any kind of real relationship until I'm 30. That gives me a year and a half to do things for myself. If I honestly don't want anything, it takes the pressure off me. I can actually enjoy my life and stop stressing about relationship bullshit. I can stop letting guys get to me. I'm not saying I won't date, because I have tried that, and with very little success. I will date, but not with any intention of having anything serious with anyone. I'm closing myself off from any possibility of a serious relationship. I need time to get over all of my crap and to really feel completely comfortable by myself.

So there you have it. In the future, I'll try to keep this emotional crap off the blog. But this was just something I needed to get off my chest. For those of you who read it all, thanks for hanging in there. Kudos to you.

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Fashion Sense

So I finally went and saw The Devil Wears Prada. Good, movie, but they were very creative with the story line. There were quite a few details that didn't follow the book (like the entire ending). But still worth seeing. And afterwards I had the uncontrollable urge to shop. I also realized that I have horrible fashion sense. Kassy wrote about the same thing the other day. The difference between a New York fashion sense and a DC fashion sense. I fit in (on most days) and look pretty decent here in DC, but I think if I moved to NYC, I would look horribly out of place.

The problem is, though, that in order to look half-way decent in some of the clothing, one has to be a size 4 (at the most). And I am not a size 4 (unfortunately). And I think that even if I never ate another bite, I would never be a size 4.....I just don't have that body-type. I was a size 4 senior year of high school, but that was thanks to a severely fucked-up body image and a serious aversion to food. And I looked horrible. There aren't a lot of pictures of me from that time, because after I packed on a few pounds and realized how horrible I looked, I destroyed most of the pics. I just don't have the body-type. Which is why I couldn't wear half of the outfits from the movie. But I can adopt some of the style....which is what I plan on doing. I'm going to stick to the classics. Clean lines, the right fit, and lots of black. And I am going to suck it up and start wearing the uncomfortable stilletos that have been sitting in the back of my closet.

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Wholesome Fun

I'm back. Hope everyone had a great 4th of July! I wanted to post earlier today, but between playing catch-up and doing quarter-end reports at work, I was swamped. Anyways, I had a nice, wholesome weekend with my mom. Okay, anyone who believes that is smoking rock. It was a weekend of drinking and gambling with my mom. She pretty much rocks.

Sunday we did the Seneca Lake Wine Trail (upstate NY). We tasted wines at a total of 7 wineries (Hickory Hollow, Glenora, Fulkerson Winery, Castel Grisch, Red Newt Cellars, Tickle Hill, and Penguin Bay Winery and Champagne House), so yeah, I was pretty much wasted and mom had to cart my drunk ass all over the place. I think I must have spent a lot of money on wine, since I came back with a case, but I don't really remember. Guess that means it was a good time.

Then Monday we went to Tioga Downs. It's a newly opened racino in Nichols, NY. I've never seen harness racing, and let me just say, it was pretty exciting..especially when you're betting on the horses. Plus, they have a pretty nice casino (slots only, no tables). I only won about $10, and umm....yeah, I bet about $40, so I guess I lost $30. I was trying to pick horses based on my OCD..all even numbers. Then, I bet on one named "Mark's Superstar," thinking MU would finally bring me luck...unfortunately, the horse was a loser- by a long-shot. Guess he let me down again. Not only did he come in last, but almost a full minute after the others. I should have known better. All in all though, it was a very good time. Anyways, I promise I'll do a real post at some point this week.

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