Suddenly I see

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Epiphanies are a strange thing. You're going along, living your life, trying to figure things out for yourself and BAM! Suddenly things start to become clear. At least that's how it seems to have happened for me.

I've always been depressed. And I've always looked to other things or people to make be feel better. As if there was something in this world that would stop the pain...I just needed to find it. And the whole time I was looking, I was becoming more and more frustrated and angry. I just wanted to be happy. Other people made it look so easy.

When I met 'George Clooney,' I was ecstatic. He's everything I've wanted in another person. He's kind and considerate and loving and sweet, among many other things. More importantly, he gets me. So I threw myself into the relationship. I stopped doing other things I enjoyed. I stopped calling my friends. My life suddenly revolved around him.

But I still wasn't happy. It had nothing to do with him. He is amazing. I finally realized several weeks ago that the problem is me (well, this problem is...there are things that we both need to work on). I needed to fix myself. I needed to finally be happy with myself.

Over the past year and a half, I've lost 45 pounds. But I still wasn't happy. When people told me I looked great, I answered with "I still have a long way to go." But that has stopped. I do look great. Although I'm working toward an even bigger goal, that doesn't mean that I don't look great now. And I've been telling myself that every day. I'm actually starting to really believe it. I'm not avoiding mirrors anymore.

I have also reconnected with old friends. I'm going to Philly this weekend to meet with some of my sorority sisters whom I haven't seen since college. And while the whole situation brings some anxiety- driving to Philly by myself, seeing people who knew me as a much thinner person, going out to clubs. The whole thing has my stomach in knots. But I will do it. And I'll have a blast.

That's another bonus- I have been going to a support group for people with anxiety and panic disorders. It's amazing actually- I've never been comfortable speaking in front of people- especially strangers. But with this group I am. We share our issues with anxiety and panic attacks. I am completely comfortable talking to them about the things that I have dealt with and things that have helped me. A year of therapy didn't do half as much for me as a month of this group. It probably has something to do with the fact that everyone there has similar experiences, and while they are all ages and races, they all know what I have gone through.

I'm also taking a lot of vitamins (thanks to the Celiac) and working out daily. The pounds are suddenly melting off me- 4 lbs this week! I feel strong. And for the first time I can remember, I am happy.

So, as much as I love and want a future with GC, if things don't work out, I'll cry and miss him, but ultimately I'll be ok. And to be able to say that is a huge accomplishment for me.


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