Thursday, September 02, 2010
"Whatever happened to a boyfriend; the kind of guy who tries to win you over. Whatever happened to a boyfriend; the kind of guy who makes love 'cuz he's in it."
Liz Phair "Fuck & Run"
All of the dating issues I've had recently have really gotten me thinking about the whole "Mars & Venus" thing as it relates to our mindsets. We women are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to dating- especially after 30. In our early 20's it seems that there is all the time in the world to find a mate and so many from which to choose. But, after we have those few unsuccessful relationships and find ourselves over 30 and either still alone or divorced, while all of those men from our 20's have settled down, things start looking extremely bleak.
And this is when we start to settle. We start dating men not because they are right for us, but because they are "good enough." That 30 year-old mark is so destructive in so many ways. We stop making men try to win us over. We start doing all of the work. And boy, have I put a lot of work into dating.
Recently, my friend Ray reminded me of this. I was upset about yet another failed shot at dating. I explained the whole situation to him, hoping for the male "take" on it. And what I got was one of those "wake the hell up" moments. He didn't say anything that harsh, of course, since he is too nice of a guy for that. But, having himself at one time been one of my failed attempts at dating, he had first-hand knowledge of my "isms," for lack of a better word. Apparently, I have forgotten how to let men pursue me. And more importantly, I've forgotten that it is just as important for me to like the guy as it is for him to like me.
Seems elementary, yes? Unfortunately, I think that far too often we women (especially those of us who are over 30 and single) forget this one very small, yet very important fact. We should also like him. I know for a fact that I try too hard. Maybe it's years of being picked last in gym class; maybe it's the "daddy issues;" maybe it's the horrible, gut-wrenching breakup from last year; who the hell knows, but I do know that I try way too hard. I ignore red flags, I go out with anyone who asks, even if they don't excite me. And I reek of desperation.
Am I desperate? I don't think so. I like my life and I want someone to share in it. But I'm fairly certain that "desperate" is how I come across. So when I do get back out there, I need to constantly remind myself that I have to like him. And I really need to get back to the old me- the girl that let men pursue her.