Stepping Back

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

After months of disastrous dating, I think it’s time for me to give it up- at least for now.  See, it’s one thing for guys that don’t know me to reject me.  But when someone who knows the person that I am- who has read this blog for years- pursues me, then immediately drops me, telling me that the idea of me was so much better than the reality of me (via text no less- the modern equivalent of the post-it breakup), I think it’s time to hang up my dating shoes.  Maybe some of us were not meant to find a partner.  Maybe the whole “there’s a lid for every pot” adage is a lie.  I know I’m wallowing in self-pity here, but I think I’ve just finally had enough.

In the last 9 months, I have dated the following: 2 men with glaring “married” red flags, a psychopath with definite anger issues, a guy whose definition of “monogamy” was shaky at best, 2 men who were very clearly not ready for relationships, an egomaniac, and most recently someone who said I have no substance- which is especially hurtful when that someone knows all of the things I never show dates- all of my deep, dark secrets.

Maybe I don’t make very wise choices as to who to let in.  I’m a very honest and up-front person; and being so up-front about who you are makes it very difficult to keep a wall up and protect yourself when someone seems to accept you for the person that you put out there.  After all, putting a wall up is not who I am.  I’m someone who dives in head-first.  

But, maybe I do need to step back and learn how to protect my heart a little more.  All I know is that I am too sensitive to keep letting people reject me based on who I am.  It’s one thing when the person knows very little about me.  But it’s another whole issue when I let that person in- I let them see my vulnerabilities- THEN they reject me.

The problem is that I don’t know how I can still be me and not be vulnerable.  It’s part of who I am.  And if I construct a wall and not let anyone get too close, can I really find someone who is truly right for me?   


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