All My Eggs in One Basket

Monday, June 07, 2010

I've often been accused by friends and family of putting all of my eggs in one basket.  I meet someone, typically online, we exchange emails or IMs, and if I decide I like him, I don't communicate with any other guys.  If I then really like him, I'm focused on that one guy, which as you all know, can lead to neediness and eventually scare the guy away.  My friends are constantly telling me to "spread the attention."  Not to focus on one person too much.  But how does one do that when they are essentially a one-man woman? 

Besides the issue of the time commitment (dating three guys instead of one means having three nights free per week instead of one), there's the fear that I may end up really liking more than one of them.  Add to that the fact that I have a hard time remembering small details and the whole situation starts to become a part-time job.  Like I said, I have a hard time remembering small details and I know that this would lead to me mixing up the details I do remember. 

I do have some friends that are very good at "spreading the love," so to speak, but it just confuses and stresses me out.  One friend in particular is a pro at dating multiple guys.  I need a flow chart just to keep her dating life straight.  And it doesn't seem to stress her out.  I constantly ask her, "how do you remember which guy is from where and what each one does?"  Apparently her memory is more fine-tuned than mine.

But, like almost anything, I'm willing to give it a try.  There is someone I met about a month ago whom I really hit it off with.  In fact, we hit it off a little too well.  We IM'd and texted constantly and there was an intense chemistry when we met in person.  However, I of course threw everything into this potential relationship and things moved a little too quickly for both of us.  So he and I have discussed it and are going to start over and move a little more slowly.  Clearly, we both feel that there is something there, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice.  I also can't handle the disappointment if this doesn't work out and I've put all of my energy into it.  So, like I said, I'm willing to give the whole dating around thing a shot, of for no other reason than to not scare this guy away.  Now if only I can figure out how to do this without feeling like a jerk.


Velvet 6/08/2010 09:48:00 AM  

I was never good at multi-tasking with dating either, but you know that I swear almost every single guy does it. Especially the online guys. I just had a convo with the man last night about this.

Online guys can multi-date because no one sees it. Meet a guy in a bar and he can't go up and hit on 5 other girls right in front of you because you'll see, the other girls see, and he goes home alone, or at best, with just one girl.

Time is money baby. If you can juggle, by all means. Juggle.

Anonymous,  6/08/2010 10:47:00 AM  

There are good reasons to do this. While I think everyone would love a fairy tale, in reality dating is sort of like shopping. You need to try a few things on before you decide to buy anything.

Yes, people get scared off sometimes if it's too much too soon. Human nature is what it is - and most people find things that are in demand and less available more attractive. Too much communication, texting, and so on very early in a relationship smells like desperation and many people will find it unattractive.

Likewise, a lot of people are scared of getting too involved with someone too soon. It's not just "commitment-phobia," it's not wanting to hurt someone. When you've been dating for a long time, you get used to patterns.

The opposite side is also true. If you are too unavailable, too disinterested, the other person may lose interest or feel like he's wasting his time. Or they may feel like you are playing games. Don't be too hard to get. Responding in a timely manner to communications isn't desperation, it's courtesty, just don't overdo it.

It's a balancing act to be sure. But I personally think that dating several people at once (in the early stages of course) is the best way to do this. You also give yourself confidence, because you have options. More importantly, you can feel better when you do decide to become exclusive with someone that it's for the right reasons: because you chose them, not just because they were the only thing there.

dara 6/08/2010 01:59:00 PM  

I'm the same way: It's hard to date multiple people at the same time when you have a job and friends and other things going on. But it's a necessary evil.

Ashburnite 6/08/2010 02:10:00 PM  

Velvet- I never thought of it that way. It definitely is easier for them to get away with online.

Anon- thanks for the insight...and you make some very good points. I'm just not sure if my clumsy ass is up to the balancing act involved.

Dara- exactly...I have so many other things going on...who has the time??

Anonymous,  6/08/2010 06:43:00 PM  

Thanks for the thought-provoking post! From my life-view, however, I must respectfully disagree that "dating around" is worth pursuing, even less so if it does not come naturally to you, your schedule, and your gut. I think it is kind of a trend among folks in their twenties, and that it is kind of the au curant way of "playing hard to get" in that those practicing it are not doing it in their best interest or because it makes them happy, but because it will help them snag a partner. From my personal experience, I had one unfortunate month in grad school where I dated multiple guys. It really just ended up causing emotional turmoil for me and one of the guys. If I had been honest from the get-go and just pursued one guy, it would have ended happier for everyone.

Steve,  4/02/2011 10:54:00 AM  

I think it really boils down to the type of person you are. Some people are social butterflies that naturally float from person to person.

I have always been the opposite, quite like you. If I met a girl and I liked her, all thoughts of anyone else vanished from my mind. I never even considered trying to date multiple women - it's just not who I am.

Stay true to yourself'll find the guy you're looking for in the unlikeliest of places!


"Last longer than everyone else...that's the secret to winning."

Susan 9/03/2011 07:09:00 PM  

I just ended a relationship with some low-life who thought it was okay to date me and two other girls in my office. The most infuriating part is that he thought he could date all 3 of us and we'd never find out...hello! we work together! lol

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