Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Something has been bothering me for a very long time. As long as I can remember, in fact. I have known many men who were emotionally scarred or crippled in some way. Yet almost every one of these men were able to find women who would put up with it (myself included). In fact, I know quite a few men with emotional issues far worse than any myself or my friends suffer who are in some sort of successful, loving relationship. And it's really beginning to piss me off.
The problem is that we, as women, only have ourselves to blame. We meet one of these men- someone who is incapable of expressing love; someone who is an emotional wasteland; someone who is so fucked up we don't even begin to know how to describe his issues- and we think, "wow, someone must have hurt him so badly. I'll give him my love and make it better."
But what about us women? If we show even the slightest hint of emotional baggage (and who doesn't have it) too early in the relationship, men jump ship immediately. We are thought of as needy, or psycho, or some other nasty manifestation of what every man is afraid of- The Crazy Chick. Despite what the romantic comedies tell you, show any man the slightest vulnerability before the 6-month relationship mark and I guarantee he will bolt.
Most of us spend so much time trying to hide our "crazy." And can we please be honest here? Everyone has their own crazy...and those that don't have absolutely no personality. I prefer to think of my own crazy as "quirkiness," and I warn any potential suitor about said quirkiness from day one. I am painfully honest. Better to have someone start dating me, knowing that I can be overly sensitive and sometimes cry for reasons I can't even explain. And the thing that kills me most about this- when it does happen- when I do show that vulnerability, those men (who were warned from day one) are surprised at it. Is is selective listening? Are men just unable to grasp these facts when they are presented up front? Do they need to actually experience it to believe it?
I am so tired of opening myself up and being completely honest in an effort to weed out the men who are scared of emotions, only to have the men who do read my dating profile- the men whom I tell "I can be needy sometimes," get scared the minute I show even the slightest bit of neediness.
So what do I do? Should I continue to be upfront about my flaws, hoping that some day, that man who really is unafraid will come along and love me because of/despite of those flaws? Someone who will give me a chance past the third date and realize that, while I may be a bit insecure and needy at times (no matter how good I am feeling about myself), I am worth getting to know better....