Monday, October 02, 2006
I've never been a show-off. I was never the kid in class with her hand up. I was the one cowering in the back, knowing the answer, but praying the teacher wouldn't call on me. Yes, I aced all of my tests, but there were always those classes in which "participation" was part of the grade, pulling down my gpa. Instead of "A's," in those classes, I got "B+'s." All because I am (as I've mentioned before) painfully shy. I think it stems from a severe lack of confidence, but on the other hand, I have confidence in my intelligence. I know that I know what I am talking about, but there's always that paranoia that maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong...then I'll end up making a mistake. I hate making mistakes. I guess I'm a perfectionist in that sense. At work, I go over every detail meticulously. I'm not one of those people who will, when checking numbers, skip some of them, even if I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are correct.
Part of not showing off means that I am not, and have never been, an ass-kisser. I despise people who kiss ass to get ahead. I let my work speak for itself. This has worked fairly well for me thus far. My direct supervisor always knows how hard I work. They know that when they need a report, I won't stop until it's finished. In fact, this morning, I was working on month-end/quarter-end, I had to pee. I held it for about 2 hours while I finished my reports.
That being said, the merits of my work haven't been speaking to those who don't rely on me. I don't think my boss' boss (our regional...let's call him Ben, since he sounds exactly like Ben Stein- only with less emotion) thinks that I know what I'm doing. When I was helping in Alexandria last week, the other girl that is helping that hotel was there with me and on the phone with Ben. After she got off the phone, she said that Ben wanted her to take the lead there. WHAAA??? Now, I am definitely not bashing her, since she seems to know her shit as well as I do, but being that she is so much more vocal and speaks up during conference calls, everyone thinks that she is more capable of doing the job. And since I am so quiet, I come off as an idiot.
So now I have to work on my confidence. I have to figure out how to speak up, even if I'm terrified of being wrong. And, unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to kiss a little more ass.