The roommate chronicles Part II

So last time, I talked about my roommate first semester freshman year. After that semester, I moved into the dorms with one of my sorority sisters, Vicki. Vicki had a fiance, Chris, who was a year younger, so he was still in high school. Which, for most women, would mean that she spent most nights in her room or in the library, being a good girlfriend. Vicki was not most women. She was a certified "frat mattress." We went out at least four nights a week, and she would bring home a guy at least twice a week. Usually different guys. And when we would come back to the room, there would always be more than a few messages from Chris- normally whining into the machine "Viiiiickiiii.....wheeeeerrre arrrrre youuuuuu...." or crying (literally) about how much he missed her, or singing "I just called....to say.....I love you" every. single. night. He was the single most spineless guy I have ever met. She would play these messages in front of whatever guy she brought home. Then she would proceed to have sex with him in her bed- about five feet from me- while I tried to sleep.

She even once called Chris, after a fight, while having sex with a guy- and told him she was sleeping with someone else. He came the next weekend and begged her to forgive him. Oh, and the reason she was mad at him? The fight that drove her to call him while screwing a Phi Sig guy? That fight was because Chris wanted to come on Valentines day weekend, get a hotel room, and have a romantic weekend and Vicki had other plans for that weekend- namely, making her way through a good portion of the Pi Lam brothers.

She was also one of those people who has a new "best friend" every month. I swear, if all of the people she asked to be her maid of honor actually ended up in her wedding, she would have had half our sorority in her wedding party.

Now, I didn't really have a huge problem with her, other than the revolving door that was our dorm room, and we actually were friends, but I definitely learned quite a bit from her- namely, the kind of person I never, ever want to be. What I could never figure out, though, was what made her the way she was. Why she would stay with a guy like Chris (spineless), and continually treat him like shit. I also could never decide if she actually enjoyed the way she treated him, or whether she was just confused (or psychotic).

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An open letter to Comedy Central

Dearest Comedy Central (CC),

We've been together for a long time, and it pains me to write this, but I think we have reached the end of this relationship. You used to be so great. I could watch you for hours. You had great comedians and shows that were actually funny. You showed reruns of "Saturday Night Live" and "Who's Line is it Anyways?" And on weekends you showed funny movies. I could always count on you for great programming.

But lately, you've been slipping. You switched from SNL to "Mad TV." Now, I know Mad TV was probably cheaper, but was it worth it? It will always just be a cheap imitation of the real thing. You switched from a name-brand toilet paper to a scratchy generic one. But, I loved you, so I hung in there. I gave you a second chance- namely because you still had "The Daily Show," which more than made up for your lapse in judgment.

Then you stopped showing funny comedians (like Dennis Leary and Dennis Miller), and started showing hacks like the big guy from "Last Comic Standing" and Larry the Cable Guy. And you gave up the funny movies for shitty 80's movies. Even "South Park" stopped being funny. But, still, we had such a long history that I couldn't just walk away. I still loved you and didn't want to face reality.

But you've gone too far and I don't think that I can look at you with respect any more. First, you start showing "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" every weekend. Then, you add "Blue Collar TV" to your programming. Blue Collar? Seriously? Do you really find that funny? And now...this is completely shameful. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you, CC. Embarrassed and ashamed. "Naked Trucker and T-Bone?" Where did you come up with this garbage? You've become "Redneck Central." Either way, this is the end.

So, CC, I'm sorry, but I just can't do this any more. We've been living a lie- pretending that things were still the same. I'll still drop in once in a while for "Scrubs" re-runs, and the occasional quickie with Jon Stewart, but I can't see you more often than that. Please, take care of yourself. I'll miss you, but I'm sure this is for the best.

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Your choice is the one thing no one should be able to take from you

Today, the 34th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, is Blog for Choice day (click on the pic above to read more).

Luckily, I have never had to make that choice. And I don't know what I would do in that situation, but the point is that I have the choice. We all have the choice. Please make your opinion known- especially considering the Supreme Court is now largely republican.

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More Sugar Daddies!

It's time to look at some of the gold-digger ads. These aren't quite as funny as the men, but I did find a few winners in here.

1. GetItGirl25 is a 24-year old single woman looking for a sugar daddy between the ages of 18 and 90. Wow, she's picky. In her words: "Im good fun. I'll have you laughing all the time. I will NOT give you no DRAMA...If you want to know more. contact me!" If her only selling point is that she "won't give you no DRAMA," then she needs to find some hobbies. What ever happened to "I enjoy long walks on the beach, cuddling in front of a fire...."? Oh, and this is what she's looking for in a man: "Obviously be able to take care of me. I need some one who can handle me! NO ABUSIVE MEN!" Here I thought that the "no abusive" part was pretty much a universal requirement for women, but apparently we need to specify that- note to all of the women with personal ads. I'm wondering if there are men out there who read her profile and thought, "wow, she sounds interesting. Maybe I should cont....oh, wait. She doesn't like abusive guys. Damn."

2. CMR0730 is a 25 year-old in Silver Spring, MD with high hopes. "I'm an outgoing 20-something year old who's always been daddy's-little-girl and enjoys being pampered, spoiled, and well taken care of - ya' I know they're virtually all the same thing, but I just wanted to get my point across. :) I enjoy shopping, relaxing, traveling, movies, nice dinners, spas, working out, spending time with friends, socializing." Yeah, because most of us don't like those things. What she's looking for: "I'd like to find that special man who also enjoys the finer things in life. He absolutely must be taller than me, as well as outgoing, and have a sense of humor (and one that's not sick and twisted) I love laughing; it's the best workout anyone could get, so any man that can make me laugh is super sexy to me. I love good conversation and getting to know someone better, so being able to hold an intelligent conversation is highly important to me. I love sports - mainly football (college & NFL) and I would like someone who is equally enthusiastic about sports as well as having an athletic build and enjoys a good athletic competition every now and then. A man who cares about his appearance - i.e. well groomed: hair, nails, breath, teeth, cologne, nice clothes, etc. but not a metro-sexual. I'm not interested in any men that are married & looking, or have children and are over the age of 40." Sweetie, you do know what dating site you're on, don't you? Do you think that you're actually going to find all of that on Sugardaddyforme?

3. Allwomen25 hails from Gainesville, VA and has the headline "Allwomen looking for her dream man." Umm...ok. She says "I am Allwomen looking to find someone to spend time with. I am very sexy and will do what ever I have to to get what I want." Ok, so what's with the "allwomen" thing? She's said it 3 times, and I still don't understand what in the hell she means. Maybe if she had said "Allwoman," which could be translated to an "everywoman," but plural? And "I do what ever I have to to get what I want?" Is that supposed to be a good quality in a woman? Some of you guys may be wondering, "wow. I wonder if she'd be interested in me." Well, here's what she's looking for: "He must have it going on and can take me places and get me what I want. I am very spoiled and need my wants and desires to be handled." He "must have it going on?" Maybe you should clarify that, hun, since most Sugar Daddies are, by definition, older, and may not be familiar with that phrase. And please, for the love of god, would someone tell me what an "allwomen" is.

4. asianbabe07 is a 40 year-old divorced woman from Falls Church. No disrespect to the over-30 crowd, but how is a 40 year-old going to call herself a "sugar baby." And shouldn't someone that age be able to take care of herself?? She describes herself as "I am very loving, caring, and sensual person. I make sure that I will make my man happy and satisfied. When I have you I won't be looking and won't be with another man . I'll remain to be yours only for as long as you want me!" Ok, it sounds like you're looking for an owner instead of a partner. Honey, maybe you need to browse the S&M sites for a "master," because it sure as hell sounds like that's what you're looking for. So what is she looking for? "I am looking for a loving, generous, kind, and understanding man. I want to be treated like a princess, to be pampered and spoilt and in return I see to it that he won't regret it!" Princess? Really? Because no other woman on this site wants to be treated like a princess. Real original. Oh, and it's "spoiled," not "spoilt." Seriously, does anyone even use spell check anymore? All I'm saying is type it out in Word, run spell check, and copy and paste so that you don't sound like a complete moron. (Aside- maybe some bloggers out there need to use it as well?)

5. Here's some brevity from kaykay85, a 21-year old from Glen Burnie, MD. "I a sexy mama nows how to hav fun caring." "nows how to hav fun caring?" Seriously, spell check. What she's looking for: "White and handsom knows how to havea good times." Wow. Just, wow. Honey, I hope Mr. White & Handsome gives you some money so that you can finally earn that G.E.D.

Ok, more to come....It's been a great day....not a care in the world. Seriously.

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Pathetic has a new name

So I was driving in to work today, listening to the radio, when the dj starts talking about a website called SugarDaddyForMe. Honestly. There is a website devoted to young, vapid women in search of rich, shallow older men. So, of course, I had to check it out. Now, I'm not going to get into physical appearances or anything, but come on. There are 698 women in the DC area on this site. Women looking for men with money. And 538 "sugar daddies" looking for gold-diggers. This is just too sad.

For your reading pleasure, here are some of the profiles:

Sugar Daddies:

1. First and foremost we have "10inchplus"...that is actually his headline, not his screenname, but I couldn't resist. 10inchplus is a 44-year old man in McLean who is "married but looking." In his words: "Handsum hard working guy thats very down to earth. Im always looing for new ways to improve on any and everything, especially my woman." I think Mr. 10-incher should learn to use spell-check.

2. Notoriouscrack's headline reads "a hottie with a body." Good for you. He is a 35 year-old single man in DC. His "about me": "I am very manly and would want many girls to have fun with. i am a pimp." And what does this gem want from a woman? Well, in his words, "hot sex b3tch." Wow, that's a great way to find a quality woman.

3. RHODEIMIKE needs to figure out where his Caps Lock key is. He's 35 and divorced. I'm guessing his name is Mike and he is from Rhode Island....just a hunch. Now he lives in Glenarden, MD and is looking for this in a woman: "BEAUTIFUL LADY WITH NICE BREAST AND PRETTY EYES. AMBITIOUS YET WILLING TO TAKE IN KNOWLEDGE. LOYAL AND A GOOD LISTENER. SMART BUT NOT TOO SMART. DRESSES WELL AND ESPECIALLY SMELLS GOOD." Wow...smart but not too smart. Nice breast, huh? Only one of them? Oh, and "smells good" is always one of the most important qualities to look for. I'm not saying it's not important, but to actually list it as what you're looking for?

4. DSteel is a 37 year-old married man from Cloverly, MD. Ladies, don't let this one slip away: "I'm a 6'2" Athlectic, Bald, Chocolate Brotha who's also Lover who gives Sexual Fantasies and Delivers Sexual Pleasure. I write Erotica and Enjoy creating new Stories from Real Acts of Pleasure." Now, he's a little vague as to what he's looking for in a woman, so let's see what else he has to say: "Someone to have some fun with and who is as comfortable Making Love to me in the corner of Crowded Room of Strangers as I they are in a Private room alone." Oh, that's nice. Freak.

5. Spenta must have had some experience "padding" resumes: "CEO of a multinational company. I travel worlwide and would welcome the company of a sophisticated, intelligent, adventurous lady to accompany me as a companion/sugar babe." Translation: he owns a Quizno's store. "Genuine opportunity to be financially and otherwise fulfilled beyond your expectation." Translation: he'll buy you a vibrator and some cubic zirconia earrings. Are we really supposed to believe that the CEO of a "multinational company" needs to go searching a site like this to find women?

Looks like I may need to cover the women in another post.

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5 Secrets

The lovely miss View from Dupont tagged me today, and it's been a while since I've posted a meme, so what better way to finish the week.

I have to list 5 secrets...there really aren't any that I haven't already posted on here, so nothing shocking.

Secret #1: I've never been to Canada. It's strange considering I grew up only a few miles from the NY state border, and Niagara Falls really wasn't that far, but it was cold enough in PA, no reason to go somewhere colder.

Secret #2: I've met far too many people with the same birthday as me. In my sorority, sophomore year, there were three of us on the same day, and two who were the day before. I've never had a job where I was the only one with my birthday. At my last job, there were three of us (in an office of less than 20) with the same birthday.

Secret #3: My family is crazy...like reality-show crazy. I know everyone thinks there's is crazy, but seriously...an evening with them is an entire month's worth of blog posts.

Secret #4: There are quite a few people with the same name as me, including my "twin" cousin (we're a few months apart), who happens to live in northern VA as well. Family functions were interesting until everyone started calling me by my middle name, and her by our first name (our middle initials are the same as well).

Secret #5: along those same lines, my last roommate had a very similar name (same initials, same first name, similar last names). When our other roommate went to leave notes for one of us, she could never figure out how to address it- First name? nope, that's the same. First name and initial? nope, those are the same. Initials? nope, same there as well.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you want to fill it out, please feel free.

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Wanna buy a man?

Or just a date with one. The NotGirls' Charity Auction starts tomorrow, so get over there and bid on your favorite man. Some of us (who are already in a relationship) will be doing some strategic bidding (hey, it's for a good cause).

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The joys of an HMO

*Warning- This post may make the guys out there a little uncomfortable- it’s about girly-parts; or more specifically seeing a girly-parts doctor when you’re covered by a shitty HMO.

So last week was time for my dreaded annual exam. Lucky for me, I’m covered under the wonderful Kaiser Permanente, so I knew they’d take good care of me. I called to make my appointment about two weeks ago, and requested a female doctor (sorry guys, I just feel more comfortable going to a woman). Hmmm….no appointments until February. So, I ended up making the appointment with a male doctor. Do I know my gyno? No, because in the wonderful land of Kaiser, doctors come and go way too often for you to have the same doctor twice.

Well, it has become painfully clear that Kaiser is most certainly a large corporation, who’s only concern in profit. I am just imagining some of their big decision-making meetings: “How can we save/make more money? Well, I don’t think women feel exposed enough when they visit us, so instead of those cheap paper gowns, let’s switch to even cheaper paper shirts. That 2 feet of thin paper that covers their asses is a whopping $1 more per case. As an added bonus, female patients will have to sit there, with their asses exposed to the door (because the table always backs to the door) while waiting 2 hours for their doctor. Why are they waiting 2 hours for their doctor? Well, because we are going to start scheduling appointments in 10-minute increments. After all, it shouldn’t take long for them to do the full exam, especially because our patients shouldn’t be asking questions. They should take the birth control that we give them (whichever drug company pays us more that month), and be quiet. And if she wants some form of non-hormonal option like an IUD? Well, then we need to jack up that co-pay as high as possible, say $250 to discourage this. We need to do everything possible to encourage them to use archaic drugs- push that Ortho Tri-Cyclen!! If she has had a bad reaction to hormones? So what! Take them anyways! And if she starts asking about something for mood swings? Paxil or Prozac. So what if she would prefer something in another drug family, like Wellbutrin. We don’t care what she wants.” I could go on and on and on. I think you get the point.

It’s just a damn good thing my gyno was a pretty good-looking guy in his 30’s, instead of the old Pakistani man that I got last time.

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The roommate chronicles Part I

So I've had some very interesting roommates throughout my life, so I thought I'd share some of the stories with all of you. Hope some of my roommate nightmares entertain you (and make you feel a little better about some of the ones you've had).

Roommate #1- 1st Semester Freshman year- Talisha (aka. "The Militant")
My first semester no dorms were available, so I ended up having to live in off-campus housing (which the school semi-arranged). I was extremely naive and innocent and still believed that everything was puppies and sunshine. Even after living all over the place and finally settling in rural PA (in the 3rd grade), I was still very sheltered. The town that I grew up in was 99.99% WASP, so I was never exposed to racism. My parents also taught me to never judge people by their appearance, race or beliefs. So race was never a thought in my mind.

Until I moved in with Talisha. She made it abundantly clear that she hated white girls the day I moved in. How? By telling me "I hate perky white bitches like you." Subtle. I remember hearing her on the phone the day I moved in saying "they put me with some skinny white cheerleader. No, I wish I was kidding." She was rude to me at every turn. Any notes she left were addressed to "white girl." And the thing is, I was never anything but nice to her. Granted, I have no idea what her life was like, but she was from Pittsburgh, not Detroit. Luckily for me, I had decided to pledge a sorority, so I was never home after the first month of school. And I spent the rest of my time at my pledge sisters' houses. I didn't want to go home. I stopped there every once in a while to pick up mail and get clean clothes.

During the time that we lived together, Tupac died. She wouldn't leave the house for a week. I would hear her crying, or on the phone sobbing and saying "why?" To this day, I honestly don't understand. I don't think she was related or even knew him, so why so upset? Seriously people, how is it someone could mourn a celebrity's death like that? At least Princess Di helped people, so I could understand mourning her.

Anyways, thank gawd that a dorm opened up for me second semester. One of my sorority sisters and I moved in together. And she was a whole 'nother story.

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I need your help!

Ok, so I'm jumping on Nicole's bandwagon and doing the whole Coke Rewards thing. I figure I've drank so much Coke throughout my life that I may as well get something out of it. Only, I don't drink as much as I used to, so I'm not getting as many points as I would have, had I been collecting codes in the past. Thus my need for your help. If any of you drink Coke (or Diet Coke) (and aren't already giving Nicole your codes- I don't want to take them from her), PLEASE give me the codes! I made a resolution to stop spending so much money on beauty products, so I really, really could use the Sephora gift card (4,000 points). You can either leave the codes in comments or email them to me. Thanks.

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Guess I don't matter....

So this year (at work) is not starting off well at all. Before I tell you what is going on, let me first start with some background on my job. I am a systems analyst- which in the hotel business means that I am responsible for running all of the reports that let sales and catering managers know how well (or not well) they are performing. I also am responsible for monitoring group performance, as well as setting up new users in our systems. My job requires a lot of concentration- especially for someone with severe A.D.D. I need peace and quiet to do it well. If I mess up, people don't get their bonuses (boo hoo, by the way...I don't get a bonus). I am also responsible for forecasting our short-term revenue, as well as the full year's catering revenue. And for some reason, unknown to everyone who knows what I actually do, my position is hourly- so I am not a manager. But, since I work in the executive office, and not an admin, people think I am a manager- therefore, I have to behave like one and "set an example."

That being said, recently, my hotel created a new position for our sales admin (which she very much deserved), making her a manager. Only, there are not enough offices in the hotel for more managers. Most people share offices. Up until today, I was in a great office, with a huge window, and a fantastic (quiet) office mate. But since I am not a manager, and we have a manager now without an office, I was forced to move. I am now in the admin area, along with our meetings concierge (who is pretty cool), our new sales admin, our business travel manager and her assistant. Five of us in a relatively open area. Next to the fax machines, printers, filing cabinets, and supplies. Oh, and the travel manager and her assistant? They talk constantly. Seriously. Neither of them can shut up for more than 5 minutes. And the travel manager is completely computer illiterate- she still cannot attach a file to an email without asking for help. Don't get me wrong- everyone in my "office" is very nice- just some a little annoying.

The simple fact is that I was moved because I am not a manager...therefore, my ability to do my job does not matter. So much for the little guy. Now my only "divider" is a filing cabinet being used as a "wall."

I know that I am being whiny, but seriously- wouldn't you be upset??

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