Fairy Tales

I've always loved fairy tales. Maybe a little too much. I've probably let them seep into my brain a little too much. As cynical as I pretend to be, I've always dreamed that some day, my prince would come along and sweep me off my feet and we'd live happily ever after. Maybe it's also the fact that I'm a Pisces, who are known for being dreamers. Maybe my mom should have told me over and over again that fairy tails are fiction. But is that harmful? Is it so bad to dream? I'm not sure.

On one hand, believing in fairy tales leads to unrealistic expectations. It also leads to a certain "rescue" mentality- that is, that we feel we need to be rescued by the handsome prince. It also makes it a little difficult to appreciate when you do have a real prince in your life. We keep expecting certain behaviors that we've seen in fairy tales and romantic comedies. Romance novels are also guilty in that regards. They all follow a formula: girl meets boy; girl and boy fall in love; some kind of disaster/friction/fight ensues; girl and boy separate; boy realizes how much he misses and loves girl; boy goes after girl...and of course, they live happily ever after and everything is perfect from then on.

Does this set us up for failure? Does it make us think that when we fall in love, no matter what happens, everything will work out in the end? And of course, when it doesn't, we're completely crushed. Is it healthy to have such high expectations of relationships?

On the other hand, I sometimes think that my dreams make me happy. I daydream a lot and my daydreams make me feel like there is hope. Is that so bad? If we stop hoping for the fairy tail, are we setting ourselves up to be cynical and angry?

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The New Evil

Don't get me wrong. I use Facebook as much as the next person. But it's getting a little out of control. Not only do I now know the moods, activities, likes and dislikes of everyone I've worked with, gone to high school with, or even just run into who happens to have a Facebook account, but I'm also forced to feel like an old woman.

Earlier today, someone sent me a group invite from one of those "I'm from....(whatever shit town you grew up in)." So, of course I joined. Then I spent the next few minutes scrolling through the other 240 members. It's a sad, depressing day when you see the children of your high school teachers in college. I remember these "kids" when they were just that (I'm from a small town where everyone knows your name- like "Cheers" only with more booze). So seeing the 19-year old son of my 7th grade science teacher and thinking "daaaamn" is more than a little disconcerting.

The thing is, I usually don't even think about how old I am. Everyone in my social circle is around the same age and my coworkers are all older. But there are times when it hits me. Jesus I'm 30. Time to do something productive. Time to get a move on.

Of course, this results in anxiety- for which my doctor just recently prescribed a remedy. Then I start thinking about the fact that I am taking medication. And the numerous side effects. And of course, I start worrying. I scour the web for information on any possible side effects. And for every story of how the drug works for people, there are 10 people telling of how the drug made them "go crazy-" most of which is total bullshit. So, being that I have anxiety issues, I start worrying about that. It's a terrible downward spiral of worry.

Maybe I should just avoid Facebook.

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Quirky

I found this funny post on Rands In Repose about quirks and it really got me thinking about all of mine- and how many I have in common with other people. I mean, some of these are direct quotes from the other post. Guess I'm not so weird after all.

1. switches have to be up when on, down when off.

2. everything has to be in even numbers (unless divisible by 5). Radio & tv volume, etc. I really don't like odd numbers.

3. The toilet paper roll has to go over, NOT under.

4. I drop the last word off sentences a lot, especially if I am nervous.

5. M&Ms must be eaten in even numbers. You wouldn’t want one side of your mouth to get jealous while the other eats an M&M, would you?

6. whenever I get a paper coffee cup sleeve, I _HAVE_ to line up the fold with the join in the paper cup. Always.

7. I always sort the jelly and jam by flavor when eating at restaurants that put the carrier on the table.

8. I try not to step onto broken parts of pavement.

9. aligning cutlery in restaurants

10. Browser tabs and task bars have to have their items in specific order, or else they’ve gotta be closed up and re-started.

11. Even after I *know* I’ve put my keys into my bag, I must double-check that they’re there before closing car door or trunk. Total OCD.

12. Whenever I see an open cupboard or drawer, I have to close it. I can’t bring myself to leave the room with it open

13. I can't STAND when someone takes something out of the microwave with time left on it and doesn't clear the time.

14. I eat Skittles & M&Ms in a specific order- the color I like the least first.

15. Everything on my desk has a place and a placement. I know when things have been moved. However, my bedroom is a mess and my bathroom counter is chaos.

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You

You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You’re so much more than I ever thought I deserved or could get. You’re the person that makes me strive to be better. I know I don’t always show how much I appreciate you, but I truly do. I can’t remember anyone before you and I hope there is no one after you. I wish that you were my first. I wish I could have given you that gift. But I will work for the rest of my life to show you just how special you are and how much you mean to me. And I hope I have a chance to. There aren’t words that are strong enough to convey how amazing and wonderful you are.

This is the first time I have had someone in my life who makes me a priority and I don’t ever want to go back to the way things were before you. The past year and a half have taught me more than you can imagine. I only hope that I have taught you and improved your life as much as you have improved mine. You truly and completely make my life better.

I love you.

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30 Days

Today is huge for me. It's my 30th day of being smoke-free. I've definitely had a lot of cravings, but it's strange- after the first week, I started thinking in terms of "if I have a cigarette now, I'll have to start back at day 1." And that, along with a sweet, supportive boyfriend has been enough to motivate me. I guess it's true that when you're ready to quit, you can do it. Drunkbrunch had some great advice that has also helped tremendously.

It's amazing to think that I'm now a non-smoker.

Maybe I'll start blogging again too......

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Thievery

I've been seeing a lot of "Ron Paul" signs around lately, most of them consisting of a piece of paper with his name and "'08" in crappy handwriting. And every time I think "this guy is running one of the most half-assed campaigns in history. But this morning, while driving to work on the toll road I saw a (more official looking) campaign sign on one of the overpasses that almost stopped me in my tracks. Apparently, it's his official campaign logo. A similar sign can be found here.

I'm sure some of you (Beatles fans) have seen this before. Being that I am a devout Beatles fan, and love everything Beatles, I checked out the Cirque du Soleil show at the Mirage in Vegas (Love) in September, which was beyond excellent, by the way. And also at the Mirage was the newest lounge/bar: the Revolution Lounge:

Notice any similarities? Not only is Ron Paul running a half-assed campaign, he can't even come up with his own logo. Makes you wonder how he would represent us as president. Guess it's a good thing the guy has no shot at winning.

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What I've Learned

I realize I've kind of fallen off the face of the earth, and I've been really terrible at keeping in touch with people. But I've been doing a lot of thinking recently- and learning. So in the past months, I've learned quite a lot.

1. When you work in the hotel business, and are planning a trip to Vegas, it's always good to let your GM know- and hopefully, he'll email the GM at the hotel/casino where you were lucky enough to get your low, low employee rate and tell him what a great employee you are. And if you're super lucky, that GM will upgrade you to a suite on the top floor- at that same low, low employee rate. Just saying.

2. Work is just work. It isn't your life. And it really isn't worth stressing about. A job is a job is a job. And if you ever want to be happy, leave your work there when you go home. Stressing about your job or the people that you work with or the situations that occur between 9 and 5 will only bother you- and won't resolve anything. You can not control the situation- you can only control your reactions.

3. Getting down to 2 or 3 cigarettes a day after smoking for almost 12 years is torture. However, finally being able to run a mile without getting totally winded makes it all worthwhile- especially when, even in your best shape, you were never able to run a mile without getting winded.

4. Your entire personality can change when you lose 45 pounds. You can finally find the confidence you didn't even have way, way back when you were a size 2.

5. You can never compare your relationships to others. Never think that you have to keep up with the 'norms.' You've dated for a year and suddenly everyone you know is asking when you're getting married. So what. Don't let it bother you. Your relationship doesn't have to move at the same speed as everyone else's. And there's nothing wrong with that. Yes, it can suck to hear that from everyone at work. But guess what? Losing the love of your life because you're too impatient to wait until the time is right for both of you isn't worth it (no, that part isn't from personal experience- we're still together. but I did almost screw it all up by trying to force things). Sit back and relax. Enjoy the good times together. Not everyone moves at the same speed as you.

6. I once read that if you are happy in a relationship 80% of the time, then hang on for dear life and forget about the other 20%. And it's true. No one is happy 100% of the time- it's impossible. And if you're lucky enough to find someone who makes you happy almost all of the time, then thank your lucky stars for that. Most people go through their lives without ever finding that 80% person. And some settle for a 50% person. I've found that 80% guy- and it's one of the most fulfilling, amazing feelings I've ever experienced.

7. Forget the past. So you've never been able to trust any man in the past. You've been treated like shit. You've been lied to and cheated on. Maybe even abused. Let it go. Don't let the relationships of the past effect the way you deal with all of your future relationships. Forget the past- it will only ruin your future.

8. You may get hurt every time, but let someone in completely. Don't hold back. Don't protect yourself. There's a country song that says something about living like you're dying. That's true in relationships too. Yes, I've been hurt more times than I can count. But I almost shut down and stopped letting people in- and in doing that, I almost pushed away the one good one.

9. Examine your past. There may be something that has molded and affected every relationship that you've ever had- without you even realizing. Get those things out in the open. It's amazingly cathartic. Telling someone you trust about something that has torn you apart for your entire life immediately relieves you of that. You may not even realize how horrible what you went through was. You may not realize that, just because there was no physical aspect doesn't mean that you didn't go through years of abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are still abuse.

10. Not everyone will like you. And who cares? Wanting everyone to like you and being desperate for acceptance is no way to go through life. And it's agony- worrying about what people think about you and what they are saying behind your back. And you know what? It doesn't really affect your life. If someone doesn't like you, then forget them. Simple as that.

Didn't mean to get preachy on you all- just wanted to let everyone know why I haven't been around. Take what you want from this post. It is what it is- me 'writing' down my thoughts.

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It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight

I don't know what it is, but when I read this little piece of news, the theme song from the Muppets suddenly started running through my head.

Maybe it's because of this picture:

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Reaction

So I've been hearing a lot of people use the lame ass argument, "well, if Vick had been killing people/babies/what-have-you, no one would care. Which is the argument people always use in situations like this, and is a completely moronic approach.

So, because I (think I) made my point very eloquently over on Velvet in Dupont, when Drunken Chud tried to compare the situation to Pacman Jones, saying that this is getting more media attention, I will just copy and paste my reply to him here. That way, any of you idiots that try to accuse me of putting more value on an animal's life. (note- I am not calling DC an idiot- he actually made a much more valid point than any of the other negative commenters...unlike others, his comment was not "you wouldn't care if he was killing babies," but a more sensible and legitimate argument. Go to Velvet's to read the whole thing).

*EDIT: And furthermore, if Vick had treated people the way he treated those dogs, he would be facing a death sentence instead of only a possible 6 years in prison.

Ashburnite Says:
July 25th, 2007 at 8:08 am

DC- I actually have heard of pacman jones. No one is saying that this situation is any worse. How is it that so many people are jumping down the throats of those of us who are outraged? None of us are saying that torturing dogs is worse than torturing humans. You’re missing the point. We live in what is supposed to be a civilized country. Yet we have people like Vick, who people idolize, doing disturbing things to other living creatures. And it has been proven over and over that the kind of person who could torture an animal is the same kind of person who will eventually kill a person- either way you slice it, it’s sociopathic behavior. Someone who can look at an animal- something that is completely innocent- and then torture it is someone with no regard for any kind of life; someone who does not possess the kind of morality or sympathy for other creatures that would keep most of us from doing something like that.

pacman jones is a thug who’s ego got way out of hand. Was what he did wrong? absolutely, and I hope he spends a great deal of time in jail. But that situation does not make the Vick situation any less worthy of our attention. Jones was suspended without pay for the entire 2007 season, and there’s a good chance he won’t be playing at all- ever. Vick was suspended, yes, but with pay. The most he’s going to get is a fine and a slap on the wrist.

Are we saying that an animal’s life is more valuable than a person’s? Not at all. The point is that Vick is a sociopath, and behaved in a manner not appropriate for a civilized society.

Ashburnite Says:
July 25th, 2007 at 8:31 am

I also have to wonder about the people who aren’t angry about this. They’re probably the same kind of people going to the dog fights and betting on which dog will tear the other apart.

So there you have it. My argument to all of those people. Next time you try to make the argument that we are placing more value on an animal's life than a humans, think of that.


**Edit: I actually just read INPY's argument, which is very similar, but, in my opinion, a little more eloquently stated than mine. If you have time, go take a read.

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Sicko

I know this story has been covered to death, but I need to put my two cents in. It's pretty obvious that Michael Vick was, in fact, involved in this, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly wish I hadn't read the full article, namely the details of what happened to the dogs who lost fights, but unfortunately I did. And I've been disgusted since.

I have never been able to hear news of animal abuse without crying. Yes, I know, I'm a total sap who cries about everything. But animals are innocent. They are not malicious. They are not spiteful. And they certainly do not deserve to be treated like this- ever. I keep picturing those poor dogs and the way they died and I can't stop thinking about it. I firmly believe that anyone who could do something so heinous to an animal deserves to be shot in the head. Harsh, yes. But so is the fact that that person could do something so cruel and disgusting to another living being- and a completely innocent one at that.

And I know, innocent until proven guilty. But we all know our legal system is pretty much broken, and that Michael Vick will probably not get much more than a fine and a slap on the wrist. This is a man that children look up to. He's a star. And the fact that, knowing that he is idolized, he could be involved in something like this is shameful. It's sick.

So, Michael Vick, if you're out there, you disgust me. You are the worst kind of person imaginable. You are someone who can hurt (and probably profit from the pain and suffering) an innocent creature. I hope you rot in hell, you sick bastard.

And anyone who agrees, if you haven't already done so, please go here and sign the petition. (Thanks to Beakerz and Velvet for posting this earlier)

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The grunter, the strutter and the non-wiper

I am lucky enough to work somewhere with a decent gym which is hardly used. So every day, I spend my lunch break there, sweating my ass off. Normally, there's no one there during this time. However, sometimes I'm lucky to be in the company of some of the most annoying gym personalities. Today was one of those times. I was just going about my business, going through my triathlon of cardio equipment- elliptical, bike and treadmill (running, of course).

Now, I'm not one to criticize other people in the gym, unless they're real assholes. This guy walks in, wearing a wife-beater and a huge silver chain. As he strutted past me, I couldn't help but notice the air of cockiness coupled with the fact that the guy was nothing special- and certainly not built. But whatever. I go about my workout, trying to burn as many calories possible. He starts lifting, and right away he's grunting. Grunting is one of the single most annoying thing you can do in the gym. Then, he starts making all kinds of obscene noises- noises that sound like they belong in the bedroom, not in the gym. By this point, I can't hear the tv over him, so I paused the treadmill and turned up the volume on CNN. Oh, and another loathesome quality- he did not wipe down a single piece of equipment. Disgusting.

The bedroom noises went on for over 30 minutes. I was getting more and more annoyed. The even more annoying part was that (keep in mind that all of the walls are mirrored) every time he walked around, he stared at himself in the mirror. He even stopped to...are you ready for this....flex in front of the mirror. So, as I was switching from the treadmill to the bike, I passed one of the weight machines that he had been using. As I glanced at the weights, expecting to see something like 240 lbs, I was shocked. He was lifting 40 pounds. He wasn't grunting and groaning while lifting 240 pounds, he was lifting less than my grandmother lifts.

After seeing that, I glanced at him (flexing in the mirror) and couldn't help myself. I sat at the machine, changed the weight to 80 pounds, and lifted 3 sets of 12 with barely more than a loud exhale.

The only thing worse than an arrogant meathead is an arrogant guy who thinks he's a meathead. The thing that bugs me is that this guy obviously wants everyone in the vicinity to see/hear him and be impressed. Next time, he should probably lift a little more than 40 pounds. Because, as Shania said, "that don't impress me much."

But then again, there's only one (very amazing) man that impresses me :-)

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Thank you

It's been a long time coming, but thank you to everyone who offered their condolences. It really meant a lot to know that there were people out there thinking about me- even if they never met me.

Things have been pretty rough, and unfortunately, it looks like nothing is going to happen to the bus driver that killed him. Apparently, bus drivers are pretty much able to drive however they want without repercussions. So my family and I need to move on. Being Solomons has been incredibly difficult and emotional, but we need to do it- it was one of Brian's favorite places.

So that's the update. And thank you again.

xoxoxo

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New Project

So, inspired by my friend Avin and her 99 Products blog, I've started a new project. I really haven't had much to say on this one, since things in my personal life are not quite as dramatic as they used to be. However, when it comes to beauty products, I'm a junkie. I spend more on makeup, hair products and skin products than I do on clothes, and most of them really don't work. So I've started reviewing them. I only have two posts so far, but I figured I'd give you guys the link anyways. I'm pretty sure my male readers won't be all that interested, and for that I'm sorry guys; but the girls out there may be.

So, without further ado:

Product Addict

And for those of you with no interest in it, have no fear. When something worth posting happens in my personal life, I'll let you all in on it.

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Scary Stuff

Is anyone else terrified that the world will self-destruct before the end of the year? Because all of this shit scares the hell out of me:

first

second

third

fourth

and last, but certainly not least...and perhaps the scariest

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Sad. Angry. Numb. Angry. Sad.

It has taken a little time for me to write this, and I'm sure I'll have to keep stopping to collect my thoughts. On the morning of May 2, my baby cousin was killed when a school bus failed to yield and made a left turn in front of his motorcycle. He was killed on impact. His dental records were needed to identify him. He was only 23. In the 13 days since the accident, I have been going through a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts. I should have spent more time with him. Every time I saw him he would say, "(Ash), we need to have lunch together soon," or "I don't see you enough." I can't help but be overcome with guilt. I wish I had spent more time with him. We spent summers together in Solomons, MD, but other than that, I didn't see him often enough.

Brian was unbelievably optimistic. He had a smile that would melt your heart. He could always make me laugh and never had a bad word to say about anyone. And now I will never see that smile again. And it breaks my heart.

I went to Solomons this weekend with my aunt, uncle and cousin (his mom, dad and sister). We had reserved a cottage six months ago and Brian was so excited about it. He couldn't wait to get out on the boat with his dad and I- the captain and his two first mates. My uncle and I went for a ride on the boat yesterday and it just felt empty.

I'm also angry. Angry at that damn bus driver- if I ever see her, God help her. Angry at Brian for leaving us. And angry at the priest who performed the memorial service who took the opportunity to give mass instead of honoring the memory of my little cousin. The priest who told us "Brian won't get into heaven just because he was a good person. Nobody gets into heaven that way." Well, mister- fuck you. Brian was an unbelievable person and most certainly will be in heaven.

I don't even know why I'm writing this- I guess I just needed to vent.

My baby cousin and his girlfriend

My family mourning at the crash site.

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Sorry Kass, but.....

I was not going to openly boycott Blogger Happy Hour because of Kassy's involvement in hosting the event, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the right thing to do. I was not going to go anyways, but a stronger statement needs to be made. Velvet has been a great friend to a lot of us, and has always stuck up for us. When certain people felt attacked by Rob, Velvet stuck up for them. And what did she get in return? Those same people stabbed her in the back. I remember not too long ago when Rob made fun of some people (including myself), and emails went out all over the DC blogging community, calling for a "take down" of him. But who was one of the only people brave enough to comment as herself on his blog? Velvet. And now it seems the tables have turned. It turns out that Rob may not be the bad guy- just someone who stirs the pot a little. Recent events have opened a lot of our eyes, and we are seeing people for what they really are. And I, for one, can not support people who have reportedly made racist, sexist, and homophobic statements- among other things.

I realize that I can barely be called a blogger anymore- and I'm fine with that. I no longer feel the need for acceptance in this group. Like one commenter on Big Head DC said the other day- I am too happily entrenched in my relationship and career to worry too much about this silly blog- because that is what it is. I never planned for it to get as popular as it did, and when it happened, I realized that wasn't what I wanted. I had only wanted a creative outlet for all of the neurotic, ADD mess in my head. But I can't complain- I've made friends through this blog, and I even met one of the most important people in my life because of it. I am happy that people identified with me and enjoyed reading this. I loved all of the emails I have received. But, as always, the bad always comes with the good. I have tried to lead a drama-free life, and outside of this blog, I have succeeded.

I may still update once in a while, when the mood strikes. But for the most part, I think it's long past time to put this thing to rest. I hope that the friends I've made will still keep in touch, and I will probably still be reading certain blogs once in a while. Like I said, there may be updates every now and then- so don't write me off completely yet.

Take care everyone- it's been fun.

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Complete

"Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. . . . When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence".

Edmond de Goncourt (1822-96) and Jules de Goncourt (1830-70)

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Out-of-towner

My first 'real' vacation- without my family. And I couldn't be more excited. We're heading out tomorrow morning.

First, here:

Then, here:

Finally, here:

Hope y'all have a great week! I know I will!

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Complete Happiness

"Because of you I'm running out of reasons to cry."

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Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

I am, but unfortunately, some other people aren't. Has anyone watched this at all? I can't believe how idiotic our country is. How do you not know that Columbus Day is in October? Or that R.E.M. stands for Rapid Eye Movement? Or that there are 15 teaspoons in 5 tablespoons?

It's so sad that grown-ass adults do not know the answers to 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th grade questions. In my opinion, the contestants should not win any money- the kids should. The adults on the show should walk home with their heads hung in shame.

I'm actually disgusted at this show- but I can't turn away- it's just such a trainwreck.

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