Psychotic Hypochondriac

Friday, June 16, 2006

So here's the part where I'm going to scare everyone into not wanting to talk to me anymore. You all are going to think I'm either crazy or a hypochondriac (which I swear, everytime I fill out any kind of medical form, I think I'm crazy), but I assure you I most certainly am not.

1. OCD- I am obsessed with numbers. Even numbers to be exact. I loathe odd numbers, with the exception of anything ending in 5. The volume on my radio or tv: always an even number (or maybe a number divisible by 5). If I rub my right arm one way, I have to go back over it the other way. Then I have to do the same to the other arm. I have these 2 small cubes on my monitor at work, and they both have to be facing a certain way (one on each side of the monitor) and equal distance from the edge of the monitor. Luckily, it hasn't gotten to the "Monk" phase yet, and most people don't notice it.

2. ADD- I know I've mentioned before that I have severe ADD. No, I'm not always bouncing off the walls, but I do find it incredibly difficult to sit or stand still. Meetings and seminars are torture. I get restless after about 15 minutes. It doesn't matter if I am interested in what the speaker has to say- I simply can not pay attention. I can listen and retain everything that they say, but I have to keep my hands (and eyes) occupied. I have this one fond memory of teaching my horrible 10th grade English teacher about ADD. She was talking, I think we were dissecting "A Tale of Two Cities" (I was always and advanced reader, btw, so I was usually bored in English class). I remember that I was doodling and not looking at her, which she mistook for me not paying attention. So the bia thought she's embarrass me in front of the class and tried to call me out on it. She asked if I was paying attention, to which I replied "yes." She then asked me what she had been talking about. I repeated- word for word- everything she had said. I was the class hero that day because I had finally found a way to shut Mrs. Bradley up.

3. I am completely compulsive. No, I am not a compulsive liar or shoplifter, but compulsive none the less. I probably should have grouped this one with OCD, since it is part of the OCD, but it just seems completely different than my numbers obsession. I have very little self-control. If I want something, I want it now. And gawd forbid I have a few extra dollars in my bank account, because I will suddenly decide that I want something and just NEED to buy it NOW. In high school I had every single flavor of those Bonne Bell Lip Smackers. As soon as I saw someone with a flavor that I didn't have, I had to go out and buy it. What's worse is that this compulsion has morphed as I've gotten older. Now that I am making more money than I used to, my tastes have gotten pricier. I am a Lancome Juicy Tubes fanatic now. Now, instead of a $2 tube of lip gloss, I spend about $17 apiece- and trust me, I have more than 1 of them.

4. This is the most difficult one to put out there- I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It's often called "excessive worry," but I hate that terminology. It trivializes it. I am constantly stressed out, but I have gotten very good at hiding it. Not many people in my life even know that I suffer from it. I am always worried that I won't have any money, even though I know without a doubt that there is money in my account. I won't even check my bank statement because I'm scared of what it will say. And 99% of the time this is without warrant. Many times, I have finally broken down and checked my account, only to find that there is at least $500 more than I thought I had. I also worry constantly that my car is going to break down. I have had more mechanics tell me that nothing is wrong with it than I can count. Yet I still worry. And I am constantly worried that my cat is going to get out. She's an indoor cat and has escaped a few times, so now I am so paranoid that most of the time she stays in my room. I also worry that something is going to happen to my loved ones. I have nightmares at least 3 times a week. Horrible, gruesome nightmares. And it has only gotten worse over the past five years. My blood pressure has gotten much higher because I am constantly stressed out. I can never relax and stop thinking. Before doing something, I always do a run-through of the worst-case-scerarios of every thing that could possibly happen. It keeps me from doing a lot of the things that I would like to do.

So there you have it. Me in a nutshell. Are you scared??

24 comments:

Raincouver 6/16/2006 03:31:00 PM  

I think that if you concentrate on your ADD, you won't have time to GAD or OCD. Sure, you won't be able to hold a job, but that's what "Stree Leave" is for!

Then you can have some "treatment" on a caribbean island, while the rest of us lead our boring, bloggin' lives. bwahahaha!

minijonb 6/16/2006 03:51:00 PM  

Not scared!!!

I suffer from all that crap too. I've suffered from it for so long I don't know what life is like without it. I just try to manage it. I don't even like the labels OCD/ADD/GAD ... different flavors of the same thing.

When it becomes a problem is when it intrudes in personal and professional affairs a little too much. My professional life is suffering because of it right now. My worry about my divorce and other personal issues has seeped into my work life. It's a big problem. I'm working on it.

And that's all you have to... work on it. And after you work on it enough it becomes a habit and you don't have to worry about it as much. And I promise not to move the 2 small cubes on your desk... for realz =;-)

KassyK 6/16/2006 03:54:00 PM  

I have OCD too and Ive had it since I was little so I know how to control it...although Im finally in therapy for it--haha a little late I know.

And I have "situational GAD" is what my therapist calls it...never had it before but my life is kind of chaotic and changing and my GAD just popped up...FUN FUN!!

Xanax. Its a gift from above sugar. We still love you. :-)

AlienCG 6/16/2006 07:13:00 PM  

I feel so left out, I don't have any of these things. I guess I'm abnormal.

Kirsten 6/16/2006 07:53:00 PM  

I have the non-diagnosed version of GAD...as in, i've never had a doctor tell me I HAVE it...but I do...but my main worry is people..all people...my family especially, but allll people...even bloggers, for god's sake...if someone hasn't blogged in awhile, I just know for a fact something bad has happened to them.....as for the rest of your "issues"...I ain't scared..you're one of the nicest bloggers I know, so I don't worry about them...I just naturally worry about you...lol
Take care..
:)Just me

Ashburnite 6/16/2006 08:34:00 PM  

notcarrie- thanks. good to know that I'm not scary (yet) :-)

raincouver- that actually sounds like a great idea. Maybe I'll try that.

mjb- it's good to know that I'm not alone. I can see why your divorce is seeping into your work life, though- I think anything that goes on for that long is bound to be on your mind constantly. Hang in there, though.
yeah, and please don't move those cubes- my boss does it all of the time- just to mess with my head.

Ashburnite 6/16/2006 08:40:00 PM  

kassy- I never knew I had GAD before, since it wasn't "discovered" until more recently, but now that I look back on a lot of things I went through when I was younger, it all makes so much more sense. Geez, maybe it's a good thing that you weren't looking for a place when I needed a roommate- I don't think 2 people with OCD in 1 small apartment is a very good idea...with my luck, you'd have to adjust the volume to an odd number :-)

alien- consider yourself lucky.

kirsten- I'm thinking that GAD is more common than I thought. and thank-you...you are definitely my oldest and most loyal blogger friend..so thanks for putting up with all of my moody posts.

Babs 6/17/2006 07:40:00 AM  

Nah, sounds normal to me!!! I have anxiety too among other "issues." Just makes us more interesting...

Cody 6/17/2006 09:58:00 AM  

I loved the episode of Monk where he's in his doctor's waiting room with another client who also has OCD, but did things different than Monk. Monk liked the magazines in pairs, but the other guy wanted them alphabetized. They almost killed each other.

Tara 6/17/2006 10:14:00 AM  

Oh man, I'm never visiting your blog again, because I'm completely flawless. Nope, I don't have any of those you speak of, nope. I don't go out at 9pm to the store to buy DVDs that I must have, I don't check my alarm clock four or five times in a row to see if it's set right, and I never worry that my cat will fall into the toilet if I leave the set up. No not me. ;)

Greg 6/18/2006 04:32:00 PM  

Wow, that's quite a collection! I used to be down with OPP.

...I also used to have a good sense of humor.

(Nice blog.)

David in DC,  6/18/2006 05:46:00 PM  

Not scared at all, you sound completely normal to me.

Of course, I take an anti- depressant pill every night, 1-4 anti-anxiety pills throughout the course of an average day, and smoke weed to put up with rush hour traffic.

Your ADD/Tale of Two Cities story reminded me of a great game for long road trips. Think up names for Readers Digest condensed versions of classic books. These books would work great for someone with ADD.

Examples:
Tale of a City
The 2 Musketeers
51 Dalmations
Cheaper by the Half-dozen
War
Peace
Crime
Punishment
Sense
Sensibility.

You get the idea.

Ashburnite 6/18/2006 07:05:00 PM  

babs- I agree...makes us all more interesting.

cody- I love that one too...love Monk!

tara- haha!! no, you never do those things...you're 100% normal. hehe, I guess all of this stuff just keeps us from being boring.

Ashburnite 6/18/2006 07:08:00 PM  

greg- haha..thanks. So you only used to be down with OPP? why not anymore?

david- welcome back! haven't heard from you in a few. Great list, especially since I have a difficult time getting trough all of those books. and by the way, I think that if everyone in DC smoked weed to deal with traffic, there would be far fewer accidents.

nicole 6/18/2006 10:29:00 PM  

HARDLY scared. If you're not running around with at least a couple of syndromes and/or disorders then you're really not human. Besides, didn't someone say that admission is the first step to recovery? ;)

Avin 6/19/2006 09:05:00 AM  

I have the money account issue too. I am constantly freaked out about it. There was also a time when I owned every bath combination out of Bath and Body Works, and I could run my own MAC store. I have a serious cosmetics compulsion. *singing like Michael Jackson* You are not alone.

Ashburnite 6/19/2006 09:40:00 AM  

nicole- good point. who doesn't have some kind of issues?

avin- thanks. good to know I'm not alone :-) and MAC? wow, you must have made an even bigger investment in cosmetics than I have.

Betty 6/19/2006 10:27:00 AM  

I have GAD too and its currently manifesting itself into panic attacks. And I never check my bank account either for the exact same reason.

Ashburnite 6/19/2006 02:43:00 PM  

betty/alice- I feel your pain...I've been in pretty good control of the panic attacks, but they do pop up every now and then (especially when I talk to the ex).

White Dade 6/19/2006 04:41:00 PM  

Do you come off as nuts? Of course you do. But you know what they say about the crazy ones.

mgc 6/20/2006 03:13:00 AM  

not scared - love monk - love you - have germ phobia of bathrooms - lots and lots of pills.

Ricardo 6/20/2006 12:07:00 PM  

Nah, none of this scares me but it does point out yet again that these are very real conditions that affect people on a daily basis. I get anxiety attacks myself once in a while and that's due to depression. No fun.

Anonymous,  7/28/2006 11:40:00 PM  

im a hypochondriac, have been for about couple weeks now after i smoked weed on 4th of july while taking male enhancement pills for a month. After a couple days, i woke up with my right eye lid puffed up and it looked misaligned with my left one. I don't know if my right eye was always at that distance from my left one, and now i always check my eyes in fron of the mirror never being satisfied with the way i look. it's ruining my life.

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