Psychotic Hypochondriac

So here's the part where I'm going to scare everyone into not wanting to talk to me anymore. You all are going to think I'm either crazy or a hypochondriac (which I swear, everytime I fill out any kind of medical form, I think I'm crazy), but I assure you I most certainly am not.

1. OCD- I am obsessed with numbers. Even numbers to be exact. I loathe odd numbers, with the exception of anything ending in 5. The volume on my radio or tv: always an even number (or maybe a number divisible by 5). If I rub my right arm one way, I have to go back over it the other way. Then I have to do the same to the other arm. I have these 2 small cubes on my monitor at work, and they both have to be facing a certain way (one on each side of the monitor) and equal distance from the edge of the monitor. Luckily, it hasn't gotten to the "Monk" phase yet, and most people don't notice it.

2. ADD- I know I've mentioned before that I have severe ADD. No, I'm not always bouncing off the walls, but I do find it incredibly difficult to sit or stand still. Meetings and seminars are torture. I get restless after about 15 minutes. It doesn't matter if I am interested in what the speaker has to say- I simply can not pay attention. I can listen and retain everything that they say, but I have to keep my hands (and eyes) occupied. I have this one fond memory of teaching my horrible 10th grade English teacher about ADD. She was talking, I think we were dissecting "A Tale of Two Cities" (I was always and advanced reader, btw, so I was usually bored in English class). I remember that I was doodling and not looking at her, which she mistook for me not paying attention. So the bia thought she's embarrass me in front of the class and tried to call me out on it. She asked if I was paying attention, to which I replied "yes." She then asked me what she had been talking about. I repeated- word for word- everything she had said. I was the class hero that day because I had finally found a way to shut Mrs. Bradley up.

3. I am completely compulsive. No, I am not a compulsive liar or shoplifter, but compulsive none the less. I probably should have grouped this one with OCD, since it is part of the OCD, but it just seems completely different than my numbers obsession. I have very little self-control. If I want something, I want it now. And gawd forbid I have a few extra dollars in my bank account, because I will suddenly decide that I want something and just NEED to buy it NOW. In high school I had every single flavor of those Bonne Bell Lip Smackers. As soon as I saw someone with a flavor that I didn't have, I had to go out and buy it. What's worse is that this compulsion has morphed as I've gotten older. Now that I am making more money than I used to, my tastes have gotten pricier. I am a Lancome Juicy Tubes fanatic now. Now, instead of a $2 tube of lip gloss, I spend about $17 apiece- and trust me, I have more than 1 of them.

4. This is the most difficult one to put out there- I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It's often called "excessive worry," but I hate that terminology. It trivializes it. I am constantly stressed out, but I have gotten very good at hiding it. Not many people in my life even know that I suffer from it. I am always worried that I won't have any money, even though I know without a doubt that there is money in my account. I won't even check my bank statement because I'm scared of what it will say. And 99% of the time this is without warrant. Many times, I have finally broken down and checked my account, only to find that there is at least $500 more than I thought I had. I also worry constantly that my car is going to break down. I have had more mechanics tell me that nothing is wrong with it than I can count. Yet I still worry. And I am constantly worried that my cat is going to get out. She's an indoor cat and has escaped a few times, so now I am so paranoid that most of the time she stays in my room. I also worry that something is going to happen to my loved ones. I have nightmares at least 3 times a week. Horrible, gruesome nightmares. And it has only gotten worse over the past five years. My blood pressure has gotten much higher because I am constantly stressed out. I can never relax and stop thinking. Before doing something, I always do a run-through of the worst-case-scerarios of every thing that could possibly happen. It keeps me from doing a lot of the things that I would like to do.

So there you have it. Me in a nutshell. Are you scared??