5 Phrases That Will Get You Smacked

Monday, June 05, 2006

1. "Git 'er done": Don't ever say this to me. I mean it. I will never speak to you again. I literally twitch when I hear that phrase. At my last job, I worked with "Mr. Catchphrase." Apparently, he saw that Blue Collar shit and loved it so much he decided that he would only speak "Blue Collar." He must have said that phrase at least 50 times a day. And loud. That was the closest I have ever come to going postal. And I will go postal on the next person that says that shit to me.

2. "Show me your tits": I know they're spectacular. And I will show you if, and only if, I feel that you are worthy. The few lucky people who have seen them have thanked me profusely, so I know they are worth the effort. But don't just walk up to me in a bar and tell me to show you my tits. When you are willing to drop your pants and show me your cock in the bar, maybe I'll re-consider this one.

3. "Don't you have any flatter shoes": I think I have covered this one extensively. No, I do not have any fucking flats.

4. "Is your cousin single?" Yes, I realize she has a fantastic body- she's a fucking fitness model, so she kind of has to. But don't send me an email on MySpace and ask me if she's single. The answer is no. And even if she was, I really doubt that she'd be interested in a guy who sent me an email asking me to "hook my ass up with that fine bitch." And I've seen your pics- do you really think a fitness model wants your ugly ass? And what response did you expect from me? "Oh gee, thanks for looking at my profile, by-passing my pics, then sending me an email about someone else in the picture. Thanks a fucking lot, you douche."

5. "Do you have a friend that can join us?" Ok guys, we all know that it is every straight man's fantasy to have 2 girls at once, but do you honestly think that's ever going to happen? Maybe you should be hooking up with gutter sluts if that's what you want. Trust me, if you are dating a woman (who isn't a skank) and there are feelings involved, she is not going to bring one of her friends into the bedroom. Especially if the guy can barely get her off. Get over it. Save that shit for your spank-bank.


Beth 6/05/2006 09:09:00 PM  

Git 'Er Done makes me die a little inside everytime I have to hear that overused, annoying phrase

Ashburnite 6/05/2006 09:13:00 PM  

beth- you and me both. like I said, I literally twitch when someone says it.

NotCarrie 6/05/2006 10:01:00 PM  

Sooooo many people at my job use #1. It irritates me SO much.

And what is with #5?? My friend and I used to get asked all the time about this-"The answer is NO!"

mgc 6/06/2006 01:10:00 AM  

my daughter's boyfriend says that fucking phrase all the time, well it is slowing down, but i tell him he is an asshole and an idiot.

your cousin is very attractive, but boy would that fool be by-passing a wonderful, very beautiful woman in you. beside hooters sucks! (or i suck hooters, er, wait now i am so confused...)

i will be the first man to admit that i cannot handle two women. would it be fun, yeah sure, but it is a dream... that is why it is called fantasy. besides, if you want two, does that mean the one isn't good enough? one at a time is good!

Ashburnite 6/06/2006 07:10:00 AM  

notcarrie- I don't know why men keep asking for #5. Most of them can barely handle 1 woman, let alone 2.

mgc- see, every day it becomes more and more apparent that your wife is a very lucky woman. You are such a sweet guy!

minijonb 6/06/2006 09:49:00 AM  

Speaking in "Blue Collar" sounds much more painful to listen to than, say... speaking in "Pirate"

Ahoy, fine young lass! Arrr ya horny? =;-)

Ashburnite 6/06/2006 09:53:00 AM  

mjb- you are correct- speaking in "pirate" is much better than in "blue collar." and yes, maybe I am ;-)

Avin 6/06/2006 10:05:00 AM  

Hate Hate Hate Blue Collar TV Speak. Reminds me of the exhusband, I bet he says it all the time.

Ashburnite 6/06/2006 10:08:00 AM  

avin- ick...I guess that's why he's your ex, huh?

Polly 6/06/2006 01:57:00 PM  

haha that's hilarious

Useless Man 6/06/2006 02:55:00 PM  

I have never been under the impression that two women would be a fantasy. I have enough trouble with the one. My only hope would be that they could satisfy each other while I got a little extra shut eye.

And I'm with you on the git er done line. I may be useless, but at least I'm original.

White Dade 6/06/2006 03:02:00 PM  

I have a friend that likes to quote Comedy Central Incessantly. Unoriginal poeple piss me off more than anything.

Someone is going to pull your card on that second one sometime soon. A lot of guys have no problem whipping it out. So perhaps you should reconsider your stance.

Didn't I ask about your cousin once? I tihnk I did. Sorry about that.

And, again, there ARE women who do care about you but want to involve another girl. I haven't quite toppled that mountain yet, but it does exist. But you are right, if you ASK for it, it will never happen. Has to be her idea. So, I guess I agree and diagree on this point.

Oh, and thank you.

Guppyman 6/06/2006 03:14:00 PM  

Hey... I was hoping that you and your fine ass cousin would get together and make me a video of the two of you and a friend wearing flat shoes and showing your tits?



Ashburnite 6/06/2006 05:49:00 PM  

polly- thanks.

useless- very nice name :-)

"My only hope would be that they could satisfy each other while I got a little extra shut eye."

haha- finally a man that knows his limitations.

Ashburnite 6/06/2006 05:53:00 PM  

wd- I out-grew the catchphrases a long time ago. I'm more of a fan of the extremely obscure movie quotes.

like I said, when a guy is willing to whip it out in a bar, I'll gladly show him my breasts.

and you are very welcome.

guppy- very funny. it's a good thing I can't smack over the internet :-)

AlienCG 6/06/2006 07:16:00 PM  

I have never said any of these thing to anyone. The blue-collar humor sucks and is highly annoying. #3 is one I would have to say to a girl standing about 7-feet-tall in heels.

nicole 6/06/2006 10:49:00 PM  

First of all, I need to know how many guys have actually made these statements to you. Because I'm having a REALLY hard time convincing myself that any human being would allow these words to leave his face.

Second, would you believe me if I told you that I've never heard ANYONE utter the phrase, "Git 'er done"?? I don't quite even know what it MEANS!

mgc 6/07/2006 02:32:00 AM  

ash, your dumbass men are on leno tonight, with their retarded redneck routine! git 'em off!

Ashburnite 6/07/2006 07:25:00 AM  

alien- and that's why we're friends.

nicole- unfortunately a few guys have said some of those things to me. Scary, isn't it? Do I look like a bimbo or something?
you've never heard that phrase? you are so damn lucky.

mgc- I am so happy I don't stay up late enough to catch leno- he's annoying enough as it is.

Bad at Life 6/07/2006 12:15:00 PM  

'Show me your tits' and 'do you have a friend that can join us' don't work? Oh dear. It's like I've been living a lie.

Ricardo 6/07/2006 10:57:00 PM  

Who needs a fitness model when they can have you?

Ashburnite 6/08/2006 06:56:00 AM  

BAL- they will work if the woman in question is a bimbo. :-)

Ricardo- ok, that has to be one of the sweetest things a guy has ever said to me.

Tara 6/08/2006 08:05:00 AM  

That was the common catch phrase 'round here at school, and it wasn't used by students, but by two guys in another department. They loved it, and of course they used the Blue Collar dialect. I said it once just to hear how it sounded, and I felt sick for the rest of the day.

Ashburnite 6/08/2006 09:42:00 AM  

Tara- ick...it's amazing when the adults are the ones quoting annoying shit and not the kids.

" I said it once just to hear how it sounded, and I felt sick for the rest of the day."

same here- sick and ashamed.

Tara 6/09/2006 01:47:00 PM  

And now because of that movie coming out about animated cars, Larry the Cable Guy has the voice of the tow truck, and I keep hearing the trailer for it and his voice saying that damned line. Ugh.

Well don't think about that. Have a good vacation!

Mike V. 6/15/2006 12:30:00 PM  


"git er done" makes the baby Jesus cry.

Tumbleweed 6/21/2006 04:32:00 PM  

I think you're adorable! Your cousin may seem to have a nice rack, but hey, anyone can buy one of those nowadays!

Anonymous,  7/11/2006 09:02:00 AM  

This little combo is pretty asinine, too: "He was only attractive in a quirky, funny way. He wasn't what I would consider "hot," which is why I truly believed he was genuinely as sweet as he seemed."

-from someone who's attractive in a quirky, funny way

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