Much Needed Time Off (not from blogging)

Monday, April 03, 2006

So I've been giving this a lot of thought, and since my friend Jason is doing it, I have decided to do it as well. Being single. I have decided to not date for a while. A friend once said, "the best way to get over a man is to get under another man." Well....I have been serial-dating lately, and it really isn't working for me. Looking back, this is the way I have always dealt with a break-up, and, while it may work for some people, it has never worked for me. For me, it's equivalent to being in denial. I never really get over the pain of a break-up because I am too busy trying to distract myself from the pain and from looking at the relationship and objectively trying to figure out where things went wrong.

The thing is, I know where things went wrong. I know that I am so scared of being hurt that I end up pushing the person away. I do things that scare men away. Granted, MU wasn't without fault, but I did plenty of things wrong as well. I need to take a step back and look at what I do that kills my own chances at happiness and figure out why I do those things.

I know that I also pick the wrong men. I am not saying that MU is a bad guy, because he isn't. He just wasn't right for me. We were looking for different things. I wanted a real relationship, he wanted someone to hang out with during the rare occasions that he had the time. But some of the guys I've gone out with since the break-up have been VERY bad for me. I think I am sub-consciously going out with men that there is no chance that I'll be happy with, because it's just easier than actually caring about someone and ending up hurt. I think that there is some part of me that doesn't believe that I deserve better. Some part of me is sabotaging any chance of happiness. Until I can fix that, I need to be alone.

This also includes certain...ummm....physical activities. Yep, unlike Jason, I am doing the 40 Days & 40 Nights thing. Only, I'm not going to put a time limit on it. I don't think that I can specifically say how long it will take me. The thing is, I have always been an "in the moment" kind of person. And, while sex feels good at the time, meaningless sex just isn't healthy for me. That is the most important thing that MU taught me- that sex really is SO much better when you are in love with the person. The time that we spent together was amazing, and I just don't think that I can go back to the "instant gratification" thing. Somehow, I feel that I would be cheating myself and cheapening the experience. I still love MU, and I can't stomach anyone else touching me right now.

So that's where I am at right now...taking care of the one person in my life that always gets ignored- Me. As far as "The Rules Experiment," I will still dissect the "Rules"(with White Dade's help). Trust me, there are a lot of them to dissect. But I won't be dating anymore.

14 comments:

nicole 4/03/2006 11:17:00 PM  

Sounds like a great decision, Ash. Turning off your date light gives you time to pay attention to YOU. :)

I went through a "No Date" period for an entire YEAR and it was probably the best thing I've ever done. I just got to the point where dudes were driving me crazy and I knew I needed to focus on other things.

So I commend you on your plans. Now it's time to have FUN!

Aurelius 4/04/2006 12:02:00 AM  

I'm sorry, but I don't agree. Sure sex with someone who you have a quality 'connection' with is great, but sex in general is still better than just about any other pleasure. Don't shut down the system just cuz some loser convices you that a 'one night stand' be immoral.

Life is complicated, and until you find a suitable partner, dating and sex can seem pretty damn complicated. Don't buy into the fantasy that shutting down the show will simplify anything - all it will do is postpone the time between pleasure and the eventual, inevitable finding of a suitable mate.

You have a finite number of hours on this planet. If a suppression of your hormones had any chance of improving your odds of finding a qualtiy mate, I'd endorse it.

friend_Jason,  4/04/2006 10:04:00 AM  

Thats my girl.. Just think of all the stuff you will get done with the extra time. You might just find out why we all think you are so great.

Later Lady..

minijonb 4/04/2006 01:46:00 PM  

not a bad idea. but set a time limit or a goal. you know, "no dating until 4th of July" or "until my birthday" or something like that. i've set a time limit right now: not until my divorce is final. in the past, i've done well when i set a time limit like this. when i leave it open ended, it causes problems. the weeks turn to months turn to years. i dig solitude... but not that much.

White Dade 4/04/2006 02:30:00 PM  

No dating until my divorce is final. Awesome. I tinhk that may be my quote of the day.

Ash, that quote about getting under someone else? I bleieve that friend you got it form was called "One Tre Hill.' Or maybe that was just me.

kojak 4/04/2006 03:24:00 PM  

The single life is a great life.

MsAmber 4/04/2006 05:26:00 PM  

It's good not to date until you can bring a healthy outlook to the table.
(And so you don't call the current guy by the ex's name.)
Ahem.
MsAmber

Jimbo Big Toe 4/05/2006 10:31:00 AM  

I think you got the quote wrong. It is "The only way to get over a man is to get under a woman" Two women a webcam and a nap and you will be all cured.

cube 4/05/2006 01:00:00 PM  

I think a break is good. Don't try so hard & you may just trip over Mr. Right.

Kirsten 4/05/2006 01:30:00 PM  

hey...like I told ya last nite, I got nothing new to add in these comments....lol....they all say what I woulda said anyways...and besides...you are just way too good for those assholes anyways...
Ha....so there
I hope your havin a great day...and I will probably talk to ya later on...

:)Just me

Ashburnite 4/05/2006 09:08:00 PM  

Nicole- thanks for the support. I've been hearing a lot of "it was the best thing I could've done," which is definitely solidifying my decision.

aurelius- I'm not saying that sex isn't good, but when sex & dating is 95% of your focus, something needs to be done. It may not be the right decision for everyone, but it is for me.

Jason (my Boo)- thanks for being such a good friend. and I don't care what anyone says- you are a great guy. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Minijonb- I would set a limit on it, but I don't want to say "I'll be ready to date again in 60 days," because I have no idea when I'll be ready. Luckily, knowing me, it would never turn into years.

Dade- I've decided that I'm waiting for you :-). I've never seen One Tree Hill, but the friend said that to me a few years ago, so I'm guessing it's a pretty popular phrase.

Lebatron- I certainly hope so.

Ashburnite 4/05/2006 09:11:00 PM  

msamber- haha...sounds like that comes from personal experience... haha...hope not.

jimbo- if, by some god-only-knows-why reason, that happens, I'll let you know.

Cube- I've heard that before; I just pray it's true.

Kirsten- I just wish I stopped dating the assholes.

Riss 4/05/2006 10:38:00 PM  

Sometimes taking a break clears the sinuses. Not literally but you know what I mean, thinks get re-aligned.

Morris 4/06/2006 07:20:00 PM  

It sounds like you have some issues that would be great to discuss on my website.

You really have an indepth understanding of yourself, but the problem really isn't you, it's society putting too much strain on having a relationship, and the eventuality of a bastard child.

Mr. Morris
Ask Morris

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