A Philosophical Day

Monday, July 10, 2006

So I've been debating about whether or not to post this. When I first started blogging, it was a way to get all of my emotions out without burdening anyone I know with them. It was cathartic. I'm somewhat of a private person when it comes to anything emotional. I'll tell people almost anything, but I don't like people seeing the emotional side of me. I always worry that they'll think I'm crazy. So the blog was a great way to get it all out of my system, then go on about my business as if I've got it all together.

But then people started reading my blog, and I told people that I knew about it. It's a double-edge sword. You want people to read your stuff, but then you start feeling like you can't be yourself because people are reading. And I definitely regret writing anything about Mark. I can't imagine it's very pleasant to read someone picking apart all of your actions in a public forum. So, lately I've been trying to keep things light. But that sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? So I'm trying to stop being so embarrassed about showing emotion. That being said, I'll keep the emo stuff to a minimum. And, since I have been very philosophical (read: moody and a little blue) today, I figured there's no time like the present to start. But I'm guessing I've lost most people after the first paragraph, so no big deal, right?

Here's the thing. With my 10-year high school reunion looming, I've been getting pretty depressed. By the time I graduated, I had my entire life mapped out. Married by 25, kid by 28, successful, happy, and wealthy. The whole shebang. Well, I'm 28, not married, no kids (thank gawd), not really all that successful (I know my shit at work, and people within the company know my name, but I definitely wouldn't say I'm successful), and I definitely don't fall into the high-income category. All this time, I have been putting so much pressure on myself and beating myself up about all of the things that I haven't accomplished, instead of focusing on the positive. And that's probably why I haven't had a successful relationship. I wanted so desperately to have it all- the sweet, caring, loving, perfect man that I became needy. I hate the person I've become in this whole Mark situation. I hate the fact that I wanted so much for things to work, and clung so hard to any hope, that I probably did more than my fair share of pushing him away- along with any man that I've dated in the past 5 years. I wanted to get married and have a baby before I was too old. I didn't want to be an old mom.

I was thinking today, and the thing is, I'm not even really sure if I want kids. I think that because it is what you are supposed to do, you convince yourself that it's what you actually want. In all honesty, I really don't like kids all that much. Sure, they can be cute sometimes, and I would love to dress up a little girl in cute clothes, but they can also be excrutiatingly annoying. Every time I walk through a store, I hear kids screaming and whining. And I like being able to do what I want, when I want. Also, when you go on trips, did you know that you also have to buy a seat for your kid? Plane tickets are expensive (especially right now), and that's less money you have to spend on yourself. Yes, I realize I'm greedy, bt I like having nice things and kids are damn expensive. I haven't completely ruled them out, but at least I'm not putting that pressure on myself anymore.

So why do I need to get married soon? There's really no reason I can think of anymore. Sure, I don't like being lonely, but I've found that I am almost always lonely- whether I'm around people or not (it's a pisces thing). So how would having someone in my life change that? It wouldn't. I would still be just as lonely as I am now. I do want to get married some day, but what's the rush?

With that said, I've decided that I don't want any kind of real relationship until I'm 30. That gives me a year and a half to do things for myself. If I honestly don't want anything, it takes the pressure off me. I can actually enjoy my life and stop stressing about relationship bullshit. I can stop letting guys get to me. I'm not saying I won't date, because I have tried that, and with very little success. I will date, but not with any intention of having anything serious with anyone. I'm closing myself off from any possibility of a serious relationship. I need time to get over all of my crap and to really feel completely comfortable by myself.

So there you have it. In the future, I'll try to keep this emotional crap off the blog. But this was just something I needed to get off my chest. For those of you who read it all, thanks for hanging in there. Kudos to you.

15 comments:

E :) 7/10/2006 08:18:00 PM  

You know what, because you've just taken the pressure off yourself you'll probably find a fabulous someone really soon.

Good luck.

Velvet 7/10/2006 09:46:00 PM  

Yeah, that was my first thought. You are putting way too much pressure on yourself. And, also, you are living your life by age guidelines. Don't think about "not having a real relationship until 30" but think more in terms of, having a real relationship when you are ready. It might be tomorrow, it might be in 5 years.

You're 28, and you're at the beginning of this giant roller coaster of learning stuff about yourself. Let it all happen to you, as opposed to dictating when it "should" happen.

Make sense? Too mean? I'm a little tough love, so I don't mean anything bad by it.

team gingerbread 7/10/2006 10:05:00 PM  

Personally, I don't mind the emotional component of your blog, and don't think you should have to censor yourself in your own personal emotional outlet, however, it's your blog

But this post seems pretty cathartic, so I think you've kind of taken the pressure off on your very own

mgc 7/11/2006 01:10:00 AM  

hi ash,

i really can't say it any better than velvet did so i better be quiet.

i never wanted kids either, but i have 2 girls... the cute clothes are only when they are little, because when they get old enough to have their own style, you (the parent) think they look like shit!

V 7/11/2006 10:56:00 AM  

Yeah, waaayyy too much pressure on yourself. Seriously, you set yourself up for failure with those type of expectations.

I'd suggest that you focus on being happy with what you have, not miserable with what you don't. People don't see you as successful because you are married or have two kids, they see you successful because you are happy with your life. And, to be happy with your life is not a matter of circumstance, it's your own attitude.

Now, I'm going to take my own advice now because I certainly have been having similar concerns (not marriage/kids, but career).

Sweet 7/11/2006 11:50:00 AM  

I agree with all the others, removing the deadlines is a very good idea. You seem like a fun and spunky person, so just keep focusing on the good things in your life and that's when great things will happen.

Okay that was pretty cliched, but you know what I mean!

KassyK 7/11/2006 12:25:00 PM  

Agreed. NO deadlines!! I feel you on the vulnerable and emotional posting though...I've done a few and it feels so good and while its not often--it is very cathartic.

My deadline was always that I WONT get married before 30 and I WONT have kids before 35...and while that is prob still the truth by default...its unrealistic to make ourselves feel that way.

Ends up making you feel inadequate and darling you are WAY more than adequate. :-)

Ricardo 7/11/2006 01:52:00 PM  

Well, much to chew on here. I too feel worried whenever I post emotional/personal stuff on my blog. I feel like I'll loose my core group of readers even though it's just a few. But I still feel you have to do it every now and then because there people who will speak up and say they can relate....like me!

I put a lot of pressure on myself too and realized that the deadline stuff is a waste of time. I knew early on that I would not make a good father simply because I don't have the patience and when I'm in a store, I'm glad they aren't mine. They annoy me as well.

What is successful? I find people that fit the category have no life of their own. They just kind are a slave to the job and can buy lots of things but that isn't my idea of having a great life, in some ways at least. I'm starting to value success as someone why can keep themselves fulfilled on a personal level even if that means they have to work at a hot dog stand. Are they happy? Then that is a success right there.

I've gone on enough. Follow your heart when it come to what you want to write. It has to come come out be it here or there or anywhere.

Ashburnite 7/11/2006 05:37:00 PM  

e- thanks. I certainly hope so. But if not, then I know I will eventually.

velvet- definitely not too mean... I've only heard good things about you, so I won't take it personally :-)

gbread- thank-you. and it definitely was very cathartic.

mgc- glad you're back to commenting. I've missed you :-)

Ashburnite 7/11/2006 05:45:00 PM  

v- yeah, I think I'm going to take this time to really focus on improving every aspect of my life.

sweet- thanks. and I seem fun and spunky? I normally don't get described that way..maybe that's b/c I'm so reserved around new people.

kassy- it was very theraputic. And we all love when you post something personal...it's nice seeing that people who seem like nothing brings them down are human like the rest of us (not that I like seeing anyone feeling down...you get my meaning).

ricardo- I'm with you on feeling like I'll lose my readers' interest, but it does feel good to let everything out. and very true about people who are "successful" not being very happy. the ex (Mark) makes a lot of money, but he's still miserable, so I guess success isn't everything.

nicole 7/11/2006 09:58:00 PM  

It's hardly crap! Like you said, what's the point of a blog if you can't clear your own head on it?

And trust me, you're in a MUCH better place than so many women I know. You have a pretty clear idea of what works for you even if you don't think you've gotten there yet. You're in dang good shape if you ask me. ;)

Tara 7/12/2006 10:51:00 AM  

I loved this post. Course I like your whole blog, but this post gave me hope. I never went to my 10 year reunion. The main thing was because it was going to be in a loud, busy sports bar.

Anyway, I feel the same way about kids. I don't hate them, but I know that having kids is not necessary for having a happy life. I'm still undecided about whether I would ever want them, but I've still got time for that. Same thing with marriage. I haven't found the right man yet, nor do I need to get married to be happy. I love living on my own right now. Yes, I get lonely, but it's not all the time.

Anyway, thank you for posting this!

DCVita 7/12/2006 11:55:00 AM  

Yah when I was 28, I came to the same realization. As soon as I turned 29 in March (Pisces too!), I said F it all! So I thought about all the things I wanted to do with my life and before I turn 30. SO far, so good. You have so much to look forward to. You never want to look back on your 20s and say "if only I did this". You will always have the future, so enjoy your present!

The Brewer Patriot 7/12/2006 12:22:00 PM  

I couldn't agree more with the difficulty of balancing the desire to have a place to express yourself freely with the desire to have your friends and others read and enjoy your site. It is tough to have both -- i.e., you can't write about someone because you know they read the site and other such hassles. But as this post looks like it did some good for you on a personal level, I say keep it up.

Alazka 11/29/2006 11:16:00 PM  

You'll be okay. You've survived your early twenties; no small achievement. And you've learned a lot on the way, and taught a lot as well.

Alazka

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