Friday, November 03, 2006

A new (and potentially good) friend and I have been talking a lot about our insecurities lately. He commended me for putting it all out on this blog. But I really haven't, at least not all at once, for fear of being called a "trainwreck." I am a very insecure person, and while my skin has gotten much thicker, I still care about what people think of me. But, I'm hoping that putting it all out there will help me get over some of it. So here goes. And I'm sure most of you won't comment, since this kind of thing makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

I have ADD, OCD, and Acute Social Anxiety. I have panic attacks. I am an emotional masochist. I date people who I know will hurt me. I sabotage any chance that I may have of happiness. When I start to care about someone, I do things to push them away. I don't think that I deserve to be happy. I even push friends away. It's just easier than letting them get close enough to hurt me. At the same time, I am extremely loyal to my friends. I may pick on them, but it's out of love, and if someone else picks on them or tries to hurt them, I come out swinging. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I'm afraid of being happy, because I worry that everything will come crashing down around me. I am never comfortable, in any situation, with anyone, ever. Despite the ADD, I can be extremely focused. But I snap if someone does something to break that focus. I am meticulous with work. I will work 24/7 until something is finished. I hate being wrong. I don't take criticism well. My feelings get hurt very easily. It takes very little to make me cry. But I hate crying in front of people. I am never the life of the party, or the outspoken one. I don't speak up- not in meetings, not ever. I don't defend myself or speak up when someone hurts me. I hate confrontation. I am extremely intelligent, but have no confidence in that intelligence. I am extremely sexual- and very open about it. But I am not a slut.

There you have it. Me- stripped. So go ahead and criticize- do your worst.


nicole 11/03/2006 08:35:00 PM  

Okay, so I haven't been clinically diagnosed with any particular disorder, I still relate to tons of these.

I think you have to be pretty darned objective to figure out exactly what you want to change about yourself. And pretty darned thick-skinned to post it on your blog. GO TEAM ASH! ;)

KassyK 11/03/2006 08:37:00 PM  

The beauty of this post IS its honestly and what my therapist would call being able to "Observe the Ego". She has told me I am able to do it as well and while some people may look at us and say "oh trainwreck"...the OTHER self-aware people will get it.

Bc anyone calling you a trainwreck would have to be so closeted in their own issues to think that they are perfect and you dont want them anyway.

I adore you. And this is coming from the center of attention girl that is extremely extroverted but also introverted...I get you.

You are beautiful.

Freckled K 11/03/2006 08:49:00 PM  

I don't know you, Kiddo. But I'd sure as hell hang out with you.

We all have our ghosts in the kitchen, and they shape who we are as people. A person without any flaws or issues doesn't exist in the world. It's those folks who put themselves out there and offer up a piece of who they are, flaws and all, that are the most interesting and worth knowing.

wildbill3359 11/04/2006 03:39:00 PM  

"Our man business then, is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand."- Thomas Carlyle,UK
I may be the opposite of you in many ways ash, but while you might wish to be me,once in a while, I also find myself wishing to be you for a time. You've got the 3 "C"'s- Courage, Compassion and Committment. To put it out there is proof that you are well on your way to becoming a better person!I bet you are one of the best friends anyone can ask for! Keep up the good work. Rock On Grrrlchick!

l.b. 11/04/2006 03:52:00 PM  

Who would criticize you for knowing yourself and being brave enough to put it out there?
We all have out issues, believe me.

l.b. 11/04/2006 03:53:00 PM  

I meant to say "our" issues, but "out issues probably works too...

Anonymous,  11/04/2006 07:51:00 PM  

I can relate absolutely to the OCD, and I'm also Bipolar (diagnosed at 16), so all the issues about pushing people away have pretty much defined my life. Thank you for posting so honestly about it.

Kassy is right: You really are beautiful.

The Husband 11/04/2006 08:02:00 PM  

i think there are alot of people out there who have similar if not worse conditions than you. while i'm sure its scary as hell, atleast you've taken the steps to confront the problem and talk about it. most people would just keep it to themselves for fear of being looked at as different.

i admire your courage!

Anonymous,  11/05/2006 03:47:00 PM  

Yep, that sounds a lot like someone that I see in the mirror.

Velvet 11/05/2006 08:42:00 PM  

Checking in on panic attacks. Also a loyal friend, and appreciate that you are as well. I also have something I can't get a read on, but every night right before I fall asleep I have a horrid picture enter my mind that jars me awake. When I was little it was being stuck in an elevator and having it drop to the bottom. Then it turned into feeling like the house would burn down during my sleep.

As an adult it would be a vision of me rear ending the car in front of me. Now, for the past 5 years, it's the vision of my dogs falling to their death. No clue what this is - some form of sleep paralysis, but, it fucking sucks.

You are not alone in these "disorders" you discuss. As life gets more stressful, it takes a toll on many of us. Fortunately they make medicine to cope, though I'm anti-med for anything. I have hellacious stomach issues and refuse to take the medicine I need. (Funny that I'm anti med but not anti drug. Go figure.)

The Husband 11/06/2006 09:45:00 AM  

do you think Joe Pa will finally retire now that he has a broken leg?

DCVita 11/06/2006 12:00:00 PM  

Darling, even though most people will deny it, we ALL have our insecurities and to a degree we care what some people thing of us. I have dated plenty of guys that I knew would hurt me, but it was an experience that I don't regret.

You are human, and you should be glad that you have such a passionate life that you feel things to this degree. It is better than not having any human emotions at all and being a very cold person.

And you are still so young. YOu will go through so much more in your life that all the things you want to work on in yourself will be changed a year or two from now.

You can look back at this post and see all the progress you have made in your life.

The only constant in life, is change. Look forward to it!!

oss 11/06/2006 10:21:00 PM  

I have a long history of chronic depression, general anxiety disorder, and varying degrees of social anxiety disorder. Being honest about our issues can be empowering. I had my baggage blog for about a year...and I have to say that being "out" for that time helped. But as you might notice, it's no longer around because it was time to focus on other things. Anyway, I'm gonna give a little shout out to cognitive therapy. It has done WONDERS for me.

David in DC,  11/07/2006 02:25:00 PM  

Nothin' to criticize. You're admirably self-aware, if a bit too hard on yourself.

Your title for this post had me hoping it was about you winning 1st place at amntuer nite at a local strip club. Darnitall.

Well, a man can dream.

Wanderlusting 11/08/2006 01:29:00 PM  

Wow, that must have been very cathartic! I would love to do that...and I suppose I do on some levels but because I'm not anonymous, I'll have people I know coming up to me and saying "Really? You get panic attacks and have to take Rescue Remedy Spray (it's so good). Although, I think everyone I know knows this already anyway. And I think my insecurity is more than obvious.

And kudos to you for being very sexual and open and NOT a slut. You a rare breed indeed ;)

Demokat 11/11/2006 01:37:00 AM  

Why are you writing about me? How did you find out about me? I have all those things and do all those things too. Who told you? Don't make fun.

We must have been separated at birth, except that I would be the ugly twin.

I love your blog. I have one too, but I hate to whore it. I'll just sign,

Anonymous,  11/13/2006 11:48:00 AM  

i really liked this post.
mostly because i related to 100% of it.

i've heard of your blog and read a few things and was hoping to run into you at the happy hour. sadly, i didnt but i hear you were there.

to make it through the night i had to take xanex. i know how it is to get panic attacks so bad you black out or start vomiting.

kudos to psychoanalysing yourself on your blog. : ]

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