So remember that link I posted last week to Overworked & Underf*cked? Yeah, today is C*ckblogging Wednesday. And may I just say "Holy Huge Shlong, Batman." Oh my dear lord. My office-mate thinks that it's too big and would hurt too much. I think I wouldn't mind trying it out to see if she's right.
Read more...I've been tagged by Tara, so here are my 10 simple pleasures:
1. Talking to someone who "gets" me.
2. Falling asleep to the sound of a thunderstorm.
3. The endorphin buzz from a good workout (same as minijonb).
4. Song lyrics that express what I'm feeling.
5. The sound of ocean waves.
6. an ice-cold can of Coke (pure liquid joy).
7. Spending an entire day in bed- with someone or alone.
8. Finding a $20 in my jeans pocket.
9. the smell of lilacs.
10. my cat purring.
I'm not going to tag anyone, but please feel free to do it yourself.
The worst part about letting someone in is the inevitable break-up and the mud-slinging that goes along with it. In order to get close, you have to let that person see all of you- the pain, the insecurities, the quirks- everything. But what if you let that person in, only to find out that he is so ugly on the inside that he feels the need to throw those insecurities back in your face? How can you tell if he’s the kind of person who would do that? Do you keep your heart protected from the start? Do you not let anyone get close enough to hurt you? It’s lose-lose. If you keep your distance, you may never find “the one.” But if you open yourself up, you run the risk of that person hurting you to the core.
And how do you get over someone you shouldn’t have even cared about in the first place? How do you get over the person who, from the moment you met him, you felt was meant for you? Especially when that person has done everything he possibly can to make you feel like shit.
I guess the only solution is to keep your distance from the start; and to hope that someday someone will care enough to not give up on you. The hardest thing in the world is not trusting people- especially when it is in your nature to trust everyone.
And there is something very cathartic about deleting that person from your life. Blocking their emails and IM’s and deleting them from your phone is a huge step in the healing process. Even deleting all of the sweet and thoughtful text messages they sent you- although, that is the hardest part.
Mark, if you read this- know that you hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. What you said to me was beyond low- it was reprehensible. You showed your true colors by stooping that low. I don’t ever want to see you or hear from you again. I will get over you eventually. But you will never find happiness as long as you keep shitting all over everyone that falls for you.
yes, I'm posting lyrics again. I was an idiot and opened myself up to more emotional abuse from MU, so now I'm wallowing in song lyrics again. Sorry. I promise I'll post something real tomorrow.
My mom came to visit this weekend, and we spent this morning at Great Falls Park. For those of you in DC who haven't been, I highly recommend it. Just make sure you wear sneakers. Got a great workout hiking the trails and climbing rocks. This place is absolutely beautiful. Just take a look:
And by the way, this afternoon I decided to become a redhead. I do this every summer- get tired of the blonde hair and go strawberry blonde for awhile. I think it turned out pretty well. Here's the new color:
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Is it obvious that someone needs some sleep??
Read more...It's a lazy Thursday, and I am feeling very unmotivated. So, I thought I would share with you one of my favorite sites. It's called Overworked & Underf*cked. I urge all of you to go take a look. The author, Avatar, posts weekly pictures sent in by some of her male readers- and they aren't of their faces. It's called "C*ckblogging Wednesdays." And let me just say, it definitely brightens my hump day. Although, I will point out that she prefers her men uncut, whereas I am a fan of circumcision. Either way- some of these are truly beautiful.
And for you guys- there is an article which some of you need to pay special attention to: "Care and Feeding of the Excited Vagina." I especially like #6: "Take your time. She's not asphalt and you're not a jackhammer. There's no need to fingerbang like hummingbirds on crystal meth." And there are plenty of other helpful hints there for you guys. *wink wink*
I’m not at all picky when it comes to a guy’s height. I’ve dated tall guys, short guys, average guys, really tall guys, whatever. Height doesn’t matter. But I will say that I’m not really into men that are really scrawny. Tall & skinny: fine. Short and skinny: not so great- for me at least. What does matter to me, however, is whether or not the guy is comfortable with his height. My most recent relationship was with a guy that was 5’10” (not that tall, but certainly taller than me), but he was very comfortable with his height. He was also, by the way, somewhat stocky- his arms and chest were big- but all muscle (damn that’s sexy). There is nothing sexier than a man that is comfortable in his own skin. In fact, I didn’t ever notice the height thing- just because he didn’t seem bothered by it.
What is not fine, however, is a man that is so insecure with his height that he demands that I wear flats. I dated such a guy in college. He was the same height as me (5’7”), give or take a half inch, but when I wore shoes, I was much taller than him. He was threatened by that. He constantly asked (read- demanded) that I change my shoes. Newsflash, buddy- I DO NOT OWN FLATS. The only “flats” that I own are sneakers. And I refuse to compromise on this. I am a shoe addict. I am a “girly-girl.” I will not wear flat shoes. Even if my feet are in so much pain that I can barely walk, you will still not catch me in flats. I would rather suffer the blisters in hot 3” stilettos. Even my flip-flops are 2” platforms. And they are the most comfortable shoes I own. I don’t even feel comfortable in sneakers. I would even wear platform sneakers to the gym if it made sense to do so. Unfortunately, it doesn’t, so I have to wear regular sneakers.
I’m not sure why or when my obsession with big shoes began, but they are the one thing that I will not change. I have replaced funky, cute clothing with the “corporate slave uniform” of black suits, but my shoes remain the one part of my wardrobe that shows personality. They are an indication that, even though my workwear is boring and professional, I do have personality
I spend hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year on shoes. I cannot walk into Hecht’s or Lord & Taylor without stopping by my favorite section. I am uncontrollably drawn to them. One of my favorite mall experiences is at the Dulles Towne Centre Nordstrom. If you go into the store on the 2nd floor, then take the escalator down to the 1st, it is an ethereal experience. There is usually someone playing the grand piano, and as you descend, you are faced with a huge, beautiful playground of shoes. While listening to classical music, I can try on dozens of shoes that I hope to someday be able to afford. It’s my Mecca.
So to any short man I may date, keep this in mind: don’t EVER ask me to wear flats. My shoes are who I am, and I am NOT flat!
A few people have asked my why I don't have any pics of myself on my blog. There are several reasons- 1. I rather enjoy my anonymity and 2. I don't like any pictures of myself that have been take in the past 3 years. I gained weight when I moved to this area, which now I am trying like hell to get rid of. I've already lost 15 pounds and have about 15 more to go before I look like I did in this picture. I have to say, though, that this picture of me was taken when I was probably the healthiest weight I've ever been. During high school I had a bit of a problem with food, and looking back at the pictures from that time, now I see how disgustingly thin I was. This is one of the few pictures of me that I actually like- I was a normal weight, had a great tan, and, although my hair looks dark in the pic, it was it's natural medium blonde and healthy. So here you go- a pic of me- looking (in my humble opinion) my best- and the way I will look again soon. I'm the second from the left- light blue shirt.
It's amazing how difficult it can be to find a great group of friends after college. I haven't talked to "my girls" in a couple of years, but this was a few years ago at a "reunion." Yes, the girl in the middle is incredibly tan, and yes- she is supposedly a white girl. I have never seen anyone as tan as her, and we all constantly lectured her about the dangers of spending 2 hours a day in a tanning bed.
So anyways, you asked for and you got it. Now stop asking!
So apparently Big Head Rob thinks my comment about Kathryn being one of the "little guys" was snarky. Let me make this perfectly clear- I have nothing but respect for Kathryn, as well as the other bloggers featured on News4. My comment was not intended to sound snide, and I sincerely hope that no one took it that way. Even as I read back over it, for the life of me I cannot comprehend how anyone would mistake it for anything other than what it was- a compliment. The only thing I meant by calling her one of the "little guys" was that her blog is like the rest of ours- posts about everyday happenings in our lives; whereas, the other blogs featured on News4, such as Wonkette and DCBlogs, are not. I think someone is looking for snark where there is none.
Read more...Apparently I didn't get the memo about today being "Creepy Perv Day." Tara, did you neglect to put this on your May calendar? It's 10 AM, and I have already encountered enough skeeziness to last all weekend.
To the guy who "accidentally" brushed his hand across my ass at Starbucks this morning- you may want to re-think your strategy. When there is a full 10 feet of space to walk past me at the coffee bar, you aren't fooling anyone. And by the way, if your hand really had accidentally touched my ass, it wouldn't have been an open-palm. Seriously, if you are going to do something that obvious, you may as well have gone all out and grabbed my ass. I realize that my ass looks amazing in these pants, but next time try a little self-control.
To the illegals that are doing the renovation on my hotel- leering at a woman and licking your lips is never a good pick-up strategy. What did you expect me to do? Take off my shirt? This isn't a "Girls Gone Wild" video. And furthermore, maybe if you learned English and tried to strike up an intelligent conversation, you may just have a chance with me. Some Spanish guys have that "I'm a sexy and smoldering Latino" thing down to a T, but I'm pretty sure their approach doesn't involve any lip-licking are staring so hard at my breasts that you could burn a hole through my shirt.
To the creepy guy in the elevator- saying "Going down?" to me and winking would probably only work if you, I don't know, were attractive. And had your teeth. And weren't old enough to be my dad. Otherwise- it's just plain creepy. If I had to ride the elevator more than a couple of floors, I would have gotten off the second you winked at me and waited for the next one. Here's an idea- stop thinking you're a hot 25 year-old, maybe shower once in a while, call your dentist- you could use a LOT of work in that department, and stop drinking before lunch- I could smell the alcohol on you (maybe that's because you stood so damn close to me in the elevator that I could almost feel your hard-on).
Whew....I feel better now.
So I was at the gym tonight, getting my nightly cardio in and watching NBC4, when I saw that they are doing a series this week called "Meet the Blogger." On Monday they focused on Pat Thibodeau (aka KOB) of DCBlogs.com; yesterday it was Mike Grass of Express and DCist; so today I was expecting someone from Wonkette or similar (more news-ish blogs or blogs that catalog all of the interesting posts on other blogs). Well, I was quite surprised to see the lovely Kathryn today. I'm very happy that they decided to interview at least one of the "little guys" (although, I'm not sure if I'd call her that- she's pretty much the Queen Bee of DC Blogs).
They haven't posted the story on their site yet, but you can catch the video of her interview (along with Pat's and Mike's) here.
Very good interview, Kathryn....and Congratulations. Much deserved recognition!!
***And on a related note, if you happen to go to DCBlogs.com and look at today's "DC Blogs Noted" (ie, the main page), you may notice a certain blogger listed(as the 2nd most popular outgoing link, btw)- so yay for me, too!! So thank-you, KOB***
***edit- they finally posted the bit about Kathryn on the site. Check it out.
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Pro: Aggressive Driving is perfectly acceptable.
Con: Aggressive Driving is perfectly acceptable.
Pro: Being able to get any kind of ethnic food with minimal effort.
Con: Realizing that a lot of ethnic foods taste like shit.
Pro: Reasonably mild weather year-round.
Con: The second there is a drop of precipitation, everyone forgets how to drive.
Pro: Exposure to many different cultures.
Con: Needing a Doctorate in 12 different languages to communicate with cab drivers, convenience store clerks, fast food cashiers, and dry cleaners.
Pro: DC is a beautiful city.
Con: Tourists everywhere.
Pro: It's relatively easy to find your way around (outside of DC).
Con: Needing new brake pads every 6 months.
Pro: Lots of rich, single men.
Con: Most of them are arrogant, pompous republicans.
Pro: Every kind of bar/club lounge you could possibly want.
Con: Drinks are all over-priced (yes, even in the dive-bars).
Pro: Beautiful houses.
Con: You pretty much have to make over 6 figures to buy one.
There are some really tragic stories of celebrity demise. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the water in L.A. or the narcissistic lifestyle, but some of these women are just one drunken bender away from a "True Hollywood Story."
Case in point- our first celebrity demise:
What happens when you lose your virginity to a douche like Justin Timberlake.
I think that Brit's experience with Justin Timberlake must have just been so bad that she was desperately looking for any guy who pees standing up. Enter K-Fed. What a waste of fucking space. Now, Brit may not have been a great role-model for young girls, nor was she the epitome of class, but at least she wasn't Mississippi Trailer Park Trash like she is now. Brit, you used to be so cute. And you had a great body. Look at what Kevin has done to you. Look at
what you've become- a baby machine. Seriously, is the sex just that good? Come on, I have a hard time believing that you couldn't get a more desirable guy than him. And really- have you ever heard of birth control? What is this- your 6th kid? 7th? And while you're at home in the trailer, Kevin is out spending the last of your money on toothless strippers and two-dollar hookers. It's so sad how low some women sink for a man.
Example number 2:
What happens when you hang out with vapid, whorish socialites.
Tara Reid used to be a very pretty girl. Granted, like Britney, she wasn't exactly the classiest of women, but she was beautiful. She could've had a good career (not great, but good). Then, after the popularity of American Pie, Tara started hanging out with Paris Hilton. That's precisely the moment she became a joke. She got that horrendous boob job- probably by the same plastic surgeon that "fixed" Paris' beak- I mean nose. Now she's a trainwreck. It's pretty sad when the 
tabloids even stop running stories of your naked drunken escalades because it's old news. Tara, put down the damn bottle and for God's sake stop showing your tits. No one's interested anymore because we've seen them dozens of times. Sweety, sober up and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to land a few roles in Lifetime movies; because I don't think there's a chance in hell that you'll be asked to star in any blockbusters any time soon.
What happens when the "Starlet Diet" takes over your life:
Lindsey, you used to be so cute- and healthy. Please- for the love of god- eat something!! A cookie, anything!!
And our last, and most tragic demise:
What happens when you finally land that Hollywood heartthrob:
Please, someone tell me what happened to sweet, intelligent Joey Potter? I know Katie was intelligent at one point- I mean, the script for Dawson's Creek read like War and Peace. And that great performance in Wonder Boys? Come on, Katie- I know that meeting the man that you've been in love with since you saw him dancing in his skivies must be overwhelming, but at what point did you decide, "hey, this Scientology thing is cool." My theory is that Tom slipped her 
some rufies, and while she was unconscious, performed a lobotomy. There's no other explanation. And now they've breaded?? Scary. She'll never get away now. Katie, I'm sure there must be some support groups for recovering Scientologists, and maybe they'll help you find the missing part of your brain (although, I'm not entirely sure that's possible- it may involve a shuttle mission- I'm sure the church keeps those in jars on some distant planet).
There are a few things that I want to blog about, but I haven't had very much time or motivation lately, so they have to go on the back burner for a few days- at least until I get back from my mom's house (yep-going out of town for the weekend-again). I think I need a vacation after all of these "vacations." I just need a weekend of doing nothing.
But I digress. Just a few notes. I finally got to meet Nicole and Eric last week. We had a great time at Chipotle. It was our own H^3, since none of us were able to go to the DC Blog Happy Hour Friday night. Both Nicole and Eric are just as cool and laid-back as you would expect. All in all, a good time- I'd definitely hang out with them again.
Speaking of H^3, I'm torn about whether or not to go to the next one. On one hand, I'm a little curious to actually see some of the DC bloggers in person, and I've been wondering what BAL looks like. And both he and VK seem like they'd be fun to drink with. V seems pretty cool as well. On the other hand, I am kind of relishing the idea of remaining a mystery. One of the reasons for that is I am not the same person that I am in this blog. Minijonb once posted about Multiple Web Personalities, and I think he may be on to something. My blog personality is the out-going person that I wish I was. I am actually painfully shy and quiet when I first meet someone- especially if that someone is a guy. I (somewhat) open up later- after I've talked to that person for a while. Some people have accused me of being snobby. I am really not snobby- just shy. So I don't think I would fit in with the crew at H^3- they are like the popular kids in high school, and I'm still the quiet chick.
On another note- that asshat stalker of White Dade's is still trolling the blogs. Apparently this guy is even more pathetic than we thought. He's been giving me crappy ratings on Varb. That's really mature, Dennis (or whateverthefuck your name is). The thing is, my Varb rating means absolutely nothing. I'm the only one that sees it, and since I know that you are the one messing up my score, I'm ignoring it- it means even less, because it isn't my real rating. So GET A LIFE and stop trolling blogs, you pathetic freak.
There. I feel better, now that I've gotten that out of my system.
Anyways, that's all I have the energy to write right now, so I'll try to update before I head out for the weekend. By the way- how's that for name-dropping, Dade? Hope everyone (except dennis) has a great day!
I promised you guys that I'd bore you to death with the pictures from my weekend in Solomon's Island, and I always try to keep my promises, so here you go: (by the way- the pic at the top- while you guys were slaving away at work on Friday, that's what I was doing..and try not to pay attention to the fact that I am in desperate need of a pedicure)
One of my reasons for going....Putz. He is such a sweet dog. I have missed him so much!
This little guy hung out with us all weekend. Apparently he's very domesticated- he came within inches of the boat. Then once he realized that Putz couldn't get to him, he started teasing him like crazy. The poor dog almost had a damn heart attack.
Rob. Really fun, laid-back guy who used to be the manager at the marina. We hung out a few times last summer, but he quit part of the way through the summer. Apparently he's actually an engineer, who was tired of the 9 to 5 and wanted to just hang around a marina for a while. Anyways, my uncle and I were talking about how the marina wasn't the same without Rob, and bam! Rob and his friends show up. There was some sort of fishing tournament and he and his friends were competing. The top prize was $100,000, so I can't say I blame these guys for getting up at 4 AM. Anyways, my uncle and I were so happy to hang out with the best damn Marina Manager in SI again. And to anyone who knows my dirty mind and is wondering- we are just friends.
My uncle "tinkering" with the boat.
My tribute to Minijonb's Blurry Grand Rapids site. I call it "I need a tripod so my night pics don't all turn out shitty." Although, they all ended up looking pretty cool, so I guess I can't complain too much about my shakey hands.
Anyways...that's all for now. I don't want to bore you all too much. And by the way, my lesson this weekend- SPF 60 doesn't keep you from burning to a crisp when you are on a boat in the sun for 4 days straight. Final pic- the color of my stomach, chest, thighs, shoulders, and face:
This will be my only post until Sunday night. I know, you're disappointed. You will have to go the whole weekend without anything new from me. Sometimes it's rough being a rockstar. I know that people live and breathe for my blog. Unfortunately, I will be out of town for the weekend, so I won't be able to give you guys your daily fix of Ashburnite.
All joking aside, I am off to Solomon's Island for the weekend. My uncle keeps the boat docked there, and it's been dry-docked all winter, so there is quite a lot of cleaning to do before we can launch it. Also- my dad and the stepmother are joining us, and I am finally meeting her. I won't bore you all with the details, but it's a pretty messed up situation. In fact, the reason I am meeting her is that I haven't seen my dog in over a year, and I miss him dearly. Seeing him again was contingent on me meeting her.
Anyways, on Sunday I'll fill everyone in on how it went, and bore you to tears with pictures.
Until then, I thought I'd start off your weekend with a little humor. We've all seen these before, but they really help when you are feeling less than brilliant.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
There...now don't you feel smarter? Hope everyone has a great weekend!
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