What is happening to celebrity women??

Friday, May 12, 2006

There are some really tragic stories of celebrity demise. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the water in L.A. or the narcissistic lifestyle, but some of these women are just one drunken bender away from a "True Hollywood Story."

Case in point- our first celebrity demise:

What happens when you lose your virginity to a douche like Justin Timberlake.
I think that Brit's experience with Justin Timberlake must have just been so bad that she was desperately looking for any guy who pees standing up. Enter K-Fed. What a waste of fucking space. Now, Brit may not have been a great role-model for young girls, nor was she the epitome of class, but at least she wasn't Mississippi Trailer Park Trash like she is now. Brit, you used to be so cute. And you had a great body. Look at what Kevin has done to you. Look at what you've become- a baby machine. Seriously, is the sex just that good? Come on, I have a hard time believing that you couldn't get a more desirable guy than him. And really- have you ever heard of birth control? What is this- your 6th kid? 7th? And while you're at home in the trailer, Kevin is out spending the last of your money on toothless strippers and two-dollar hookers. It's so sad how low some women sink for a man.

Example number 2:

What happens when you hang out with vapid, whorish socialites.
Tara Reid used to be a very pretty girl. Granted, like Britney, she wasn't exactly the classiest of women, but she was beautiful. She could've had a good career (not great, but good). Then, after the popularity of American Pie, Tara started hanging out with Paris Hilton. That's precisely the moment she became a joke. She got that horrendous boob job- probably by the same plastic surgeon that "fixed" Paris' beak- I mean nose. Now she's a trainwreck. It's pretty sad when the tabloids even stop running stories of your naked drunken escalades because it's old news. Tara, put down the damn bottle and for God's sake stop showing your tits. No one's interested anymore because we've seen them dozens of times. Sweety, sober up and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to land a few roles in Lifetime movies; because I don't think there's a chance in hell that you'll be asked to star in any blockbusters any time soon.

What happens when the "Starlet Diet" takes over your life:

Lindsey, you used to be so cute- and healthy. Please- for the love of god- eat something!! A cookie, anything!!

And our last, and most tragic demise:

What happens when you finally land that Hollywood heartthrob:

Please, someone tell me what happened to sweet, intelligent Joey Potter? I know Katie was intelligent at one point- I mean, the script for Dawson's Creek read like War and Peace. And that great performance in Wonder Boys? Come on, Katie- I know that meeting the man that you've been in love with since you saw him dancing in his skivies must be overwhelming, but at what point did you decide, "hey, this Scientology thing is cool." My theory is that Tom slipped her some rufies, and while she was unconscious, performed a lobotomy. There's no other explanation. And now they've breaded?? Scary. She'll never get away now. Katie, I'm sure there must be some support groups for recovering Scientologists, and maybe they'll help you find the missing part of your brain (although, I'm not entirely sure that's possible- it may involve a shuttle mission- I'm sure the church keeps those in jars on some distant planet).


Cody 5/12/2006 11:36:00 AM  

It really is a shame about these chicks. I think the only one who still has a chance is Lohan.

minijonb 5/12/2006 12:46:00 PM  

Katie and Lohan need an intervention stat! The Britney train wreck can continue for enterinty

minijonb 5/12/2006 12:58:00 PM  

... oh, and Tara Reed is so 1998 =:-)

AlienCG 5/12/2006 04:30:00 PM  

I never could stand any of these Hollywood chicks, including Tom Cruise.

nicole 5/12/2006 10:03:00 PM  

I just don't get Britney at all. She had all that money and superstardom. She was a MASTER at (ho'ing) marketing herself to the masses for oodles of dollars. The girl obviously had SOME kind of brain in her head.

Now she's popping out babies like a Pez dispenser.

Just shows that you can take a girl out of the trailer but you can never take the trailer out of the girl.

Jack Yan 5/13/2006 01:44:00 AM  

Ah, I guess I can take some comfort that even if I can’t find decent women to date here, at least I don’t have to deal with women like that.

Ricardo 5/13/2006 02:15:00 AM  

These are all women that fell of my hottie radar. I so miss Lindsay's delicious curves. Brittany will NEVER be hot again.

Jack Yan 5/13/2006 08:41:00 AM  

Ricardo, I agree. Britney looked godawful on Will & Grace a few weeks back. Lindsay’s skin looks questionable, and that’s in photographs where she’s had make-up. Tara looks cheap. I shake my head at all the potential that has been lost here …

BionicBuddha 5/14/2006 10:38:00 AM  

I certainly would not want a relationship with anyone like these women.

However, it does seem kind of sexist when society shuns the careers of women who are unattractive (and/or slutty) - yet men can routinely get away with this behaviour and appearance in Hollywood (ex. Charlie Sheen or Colin Farrell - "male sluts" or Jack Black or Steve Buschemy - "slightly unattractive males")

Just a thought...


Ashburnite 5/14/2006 06:15:00 PM  

cody- I agree. although, I have heard that Lindsey is quite a little bitch.

mini- I don't think even an intervention is going to help Katie- I think she's pretty much stuck now that she had Tom's spawn.

mini2- yes, she is, but she prolly wouldn't be if she'd stayed sober.

alien- haha...Hollywood chicks- Tom. very nice.

nicole- amen. just shows what happens to white trash women when they meet their match-made-in-trailer-park-heaven.

Ashburnite 5/14/2006 06:19:00 PM  

jack- yes, definitely take comfort in that. and if you do meet any women like that, RUN!!!

ricardo- I think you're right there about Brit- she's never going to be a hottie again. But at least if Lindsey eats something, she has a chance at it.

jack2- yeah, so much potential down the drain.

bb- you make a very good point. I think that's why so many women end up looking like skeletons. Women in Hollywood are held to near impossible standards, yet the men can look like and do anything they want.

Cody 5/15/2006 12:43:00 AM  

BB and Ash: Lay off Bushemi, he's a terrific actor.

Rude Cactus 5/15/2006 08:14:00 AM  

The answer? Don't become a celebrity. Learn from those who've screwed up and gone to hell.

Chas Ravndal 5/15/2006 08:50:00 AM  

Lindsey looks better now. Anyways, love the blog design!

David in DC,  5/15/2006 11:12:00 AM  

Right on Ashburnite.

Found your blog by way of White Dade's, been reading old posts ever since.

Great stuff.

My hopes are on the younger Spears girl, Jamie Lynn. She's got a sweet show on Nick called Zoey 101. My 8-year-old son thinks it's cool. So far, on the show and in interviews, she seems comfortable in her own skin and not on the precipice of skank-hood or diva-hood.

Ashburnite 5/15/2006 06:59:00 PM  

nicole- damn. there goes another point.

cody- not saying he's not a good actor- just damn ugly.

chas- thanks. and you're right- it looks like Lindsey finally ate something.

david- thanks. I certainly hope Brit's little sister has a little more class.

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