Warning! Rant coming in 5..4..3..2..

Friday, May 19, 2006

Apparently I didn't get the memo about today being "Creepy Perv Day." Tara, did you neglect to put this on your May calendar? It's 10 AM, and I have already encountered enough skeeziness to last all weekend.

To the guy who "accidentally" brushed his hand across my ass at Starbucks this morning- you may want to re-think your strategy. When there is a full 10 feet of space to walk past me at the coffee bar, you aren't fooling anyone. And by the way, if your hand really had accidentally touched my ass, it wouldn't have been an open-palm. Seriously, if you are going to do something that obvious, you may as well have gone all out and grabbed my ass. I realize that my ass looks amazing in these pants, but next time try a little self-control.

To the illegals that are doing the renovation on my hotel- leering at a woman and licking your lips is never a good pick-up strategy. What did you expect me to do? Take off my shirt? This isn't a "Girls Gone Wild" video. And furthermore, maybe if you learned English and tried to strike up an intelligent conversation, you may just have a chance with me. Some Spanish guys have that "I'm a sexy and smoldering Latino" thing down to a T, but I'm pretty sure their approach doesn't involve any lip-licking are staring so hard at my breasts that you could burn a hole through my shirt.

To the creepy guy in the elevator- saying "Going down?" to me and winking would probably only work if you, I don't know, were attractive. And had your teeth. And weren't old enough to be my dad. Otherwise- it's just plain creepy. If I had to ride the elevator more than a couple of floors, I would have gotten off the second you winked at me and waited for the next one. Here's an idea- stop thinking you're a hot 25 year-old, maybe shower once in a while, call your dentist- you could use a LOT of work in that department, and stop drinking before lunch- I could smell the alcohol on you (maybe that's because you stood so damn close to me in the elevator that I could almost feel your hard-on).

Whew....I feel better now.

27 comments:

Sweet 5/19/2006 09:28:00 AM  

What toolbags. If I had my coffee in hand at Starbucks, I would have "accidentally" spilled it on the crotch of that "accidental" ass grabber.

I-66 5/19/2006 09:48:00 AM  

Why don't people get that the closer we get to the weekend the less we should have to put up with?

Is it time to go home yet?

Virgle Kent 5/19/2006 09:56:00 AM  

Sweet,

Damn! Don’t you think the punishment kind of doesn’t fit the crime? He touched the bum bum, and you give him 3rd degree burns to his frank and beans? A simple thanks but no thanks would be a more appropriate response.

Ash,

Ha ha ha, I feel so bad for you actually not really. I mean your young and attractive comes with the turf. If you were ugly and fat, you wouldn’t get any attention, then you’d sit at home and eat yourself to death on ice cream and your own misery. You should be thankful. In fact if you see that drunk horny guy in the elevator, I want you to turn around and tell him thanks!

Kirsten 5/19/2006 10:09:00 AM  

its sad when your creepy encounters make my day...lmao...only you, girl...only you...have a great weekend...watch out for those assclowns...and protect your ass!!!...lol
:)just me

Irina 5/19/2006 10:16:00 AM  

men will be men. If you go to another country, it's even worse. italian men grab asses...and that's socially acceptible.
PS: i don't mind attractive guys grabbing my ass. am i setting back feminism a few years?

Ashburnite 5/19/2006 10:25:00 AM  

sammy- definitely eww. Now if it had been preppy co-worker in the elevator, I would have been all over that!

sweet- you know, I actually considered that. too bad I drink iced coffee.

66- I wish it was time to go home. only a few more hours tho.

Ashburnite 5/19/2006 10:27:00 AM  

vk- so I'm supposed to see it as a compliment? nah...maybe if the guys were less creepy. And I will not encourage that behavior by thanking drunk elevator guy.

kirsten- so you ARE still alive! good to know.

irina- yes, European men are a bit more bold. and no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking attractive men grabbing your ass- I do to!

Andy 5/19/2006 11:00:00 AM  

It must be opposite day in New York. A hot girl actually smiled at me on the F train this morning...

I was tempted to ask her if she "rides the F train often," (not really) but I didn't. Because I go to my dentist.

mgc 5/19/2006 11:08:00 AM  

ash,
creepy elevator guy was old enough to be your dad? how old is that?

you would think that ass grabber would have at least had the manners to say sorry for trying a desperate move to get a piece of ass. i am sure that he messed his pants, so the coffee would have given him a better excuse for why his crotch was wet.

Kirsten 5/19/2006 12:05:00 PM  

ahhh ash...what can I say?? yeah, I am still around....check my blog, girl...I know it's a miracle, but geez...I updated already...lmao...take care
:)Just me

Ashburnite 5/19/2006 12:07:00 PM  

andy- yeah, I think that line would've gotten rid of her smile pretty quickly...unless she was a dumb hot girl.

mgc- he was at least 50. and good point about his pants.

kirsten- it's about damn time you updated!

mgc 5/19/2006 01:22:00 PM  

ash,
oh good because i am olny 40, so i can't be your dad! i would hate to share our $40 bottle of wine with my "daughter" ;-)

jen 5/19/2006 01:57:00 PM  

lol...

btw, found ya via blogmad.

friend jason,  5/19/2006 02:52:00 PM  

Sorry about the starbucks thing..

David in DC,  5/19/2006 02:52:00 PM  

Funniest thing I've read all day.

Thanks.

I think iced coffee to the crotch would be even more effective than hot coffee.

Hot coffee brings with it the chance of scalding, which might be seen as a tad ... I don't know ... psycho.

Cold coffee, on the other hand, is a shock to the system with no threat of injury --- and therefore doubly humiliating.

For full comic effect 'tho, you have to actually grab thie miscreant by the belt buckle and pour the iced coffee, methodically.

Tara 5/19/2006 03:23:00 PM  

Oh my..Now I know what you mean about the creeps (not that I didn't know what you meant on my blog, but now I get the whole picture). Yuck.

I get pervs at the school I work at. There's a student who used to drop by, sit himself down in my office and proceed to look at me as if, like you said, he could burn a whole in my shirt. I smiled at him once when I didn't know what he was like, and I fear I gave him the impression I wanted him. I now try to avoid him at all costs.

White Dade 5/19/2006 03:28:00 PM  

Oh God, you would absolutely love it here. I have been walking down the street here with blonde girls and heard horn honks, whistles ans that obnoxious hiss-whistle thing in a perios of a block. I na REALLY nice area. So it's not just the illegals.

Unofrtunately, none of htis attention is ever directed at me.

Mike V. 5/19/2006 03:37:00 PM  

damnm there goes all my cool pickup ideas.. ;)

Tara 5/19/2006 03:48:00 PM  
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tara 5/19/2006 03:50:00 PM  

White Dade said...Unofrtunately, none of htis attention is ever directed at me.

(whistles at Dade) Hey, woo hoo! (honk! honk!)..How's that? :D

AlienCG 5/19/2006 04:29:00 PM  

You know, these are the types of guys that give nice guys a bad name. I consider myself to be a nice guy and very respectful toward women. Jackasses like these make me sick and they should be banned from all communication with human beings.

Ashburnite 5/19/2006 05:52:00 PM  

mgc- yeah, 40 is not old enough to be my dad. So when are we having this bottle of wine?

jen- thanks.

jason- I thought that might be you. If you wanted to grab my ass, all you had to do was ask. :-)

david- thanks. and I think you're correct...the iced coffee would have been funny- I just wish I was quicker on my feet.

Ashburnite 5/19/2006 05:56:00 PM  

tara- isn't it sad that some guys think that being creepy is an acceptable pick-up strategy?

WD- none of the attention directed at you? I find that hard to believe. I've seen your pics and I would certainly be paying attention if you were walking down the street. But then again, we women have a little more class than you guys- most of us don't wistle and honk the horn.

mike- sorry to disappoint. But it really depends on what type of woman you go for- that kind of behavior may work with some women.

alien- don't worry- most of us can tell the difference between those jackasses and nice guys- it helps that nice guys would never behave that way.

Tara 5/19/2006 07:00:00 PM  

You've seen THE White Dade in pictures?? I'm jealous!

nicole 5/20/2006 10:06:00 PM  

Ugh! Guh! Ugh!!!!!!

jebus, these skeezers come a dime a dozen, I swear! And they never quit thinking they're the most attractive piece of masculinity to walk the face of the earth. It amazes me.

Johnson 5/22/2006 05:14:00 PM  

This kind of sounds like something I heard in one of Seinfeld's stand-ups where he goes off on a rant about men honking their horns at women on the street. What can you possibly accomplish? Is a woman going to chase you down and hop in the car at the next stop light b/c you honked at her 5 blocks down?

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