Letting Go

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The worst part about letting someone in is the inevitable break-up and the mud-slinging that goes along with it. In order to get close, you have to let that person see all of you- the pain, the insecurities, the quirks- everything. But what if you let that person in, only to find out that he is so ugly on the inside that he feels the need to throw those insecurities back in your face? How can you tell if he’s the kind of person who would do that? Do you keep your heart protected from the start? Do you not let anyone get close enough to hurt you? It’s lose-lose. If you keep your distance, you may never find “the one.” But if you open yourself up, you run the risk of that person hurting you to the core.

And how do you get over someone you shouldn’t have even cared about in the first place? How do you get over the person who, from the moment you met him, you felt was meant for you? Especially when that person has done everything he possibly can to make you feel like shit.

I guess the only solution is to keep your distance from the start; and to hope that someday someone will care enough to not give up on you. The hardest thing in the world is not trusting people- especially when it is in your nature to trust everyone.

And there is something very cathartic about deleting that person from your life. Blocking their emails and IM’s and deleting them from your phone is a huge step in the healing process. Even deleting all of the sweet and thoughtful text messages they sent you- although, that is the hardest part.

Mark, if you read this- know that you hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. What you said to me was beyond low- it was reprehensible. You showed your true colors by stooping that low. I don’t ever want to see you or hear from you again. I will get over you eventually. But you will never find happiness as long as you keep shitting all over everyone that falls for you.

17 comments:

Andy 5/30/2006 10:34:00 AM  

Ouch kid. But I'm sure you know it just takes time. You'll be alright in the long run.

What keeps me moving at the bad times is to realize that everything cycles - what goes around comes around.

sammygeerock 5/30/2006 10:40:00 AM  

It fo sho takes time. I wear my heart on ky sleeve, knowing full well the inveitable hurt that will result. But I wouldn't want to be any other way, or don't know how to be. Keep ya head up Ash.

mgc 5/30/2006 11:26:00 AM  

ash,
you will get through this. things like this are painful, but you will learn from it and grow, so hopefully you will see this behavior that much sooner and not grow so attached. you are right about having to open up, if you stay behind a wall, no one will ever know you and a relationship must be built around trust and honesty. walls inhibit this honesty and cause problems.

you will find, and deserve a man who adores you and treats you the way you should. never settle for second place. sorry that growing and learning have to be so painful.

KassyK 5/30/2006 11:53:00 AM  

You know I understand that feeling of needing to let go...Ive been feeling especially vulnerable lately which is not like me either so I feel you. Whatever this guy did, he sounds like a vicious person that you are good to kick out of your life.

Avin 5/30/2006 12:07:00 PM  

I am sorry girl, it sucks and I can relate. Like Fiona says "It doesnt seem right to take information given at close range for the gag and the bind and the ammunition round"
I promise it will get better. Hang in there.

Avin 5/30/2006 12:09:00 PM  
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ricardo 5/30/2006 12:27:00 PM  

He'll get his in time. What's important is that you will know more about falling into such traps the next time you meet someone. It's a very scary thing to reveal all and devastating to have it thrown back at you. But don't loose the courage to do it again.

Ashburnite 5/30/2006 01:03:00 PM  

andy- I really hope you're right.

sammy- I wear my heart on my sleeve too, but I think things are about to change- I can't let this happen to me again.

mgc- thank-you. But I think this wall will be up for a while now.

Ashburnite 5/30/2006 01:05:00 PM  

kassy- I know that I am better off without him...but it definitely does hurt.

avin- I hope you're right.

ricardo- I hope that karma doesn't let me down this time and he gets what he deserves. It's just tough to look at the big picture right now.

minijonb 5/30/2006 01:56:00 PM  

Moving on is a very hard thing to do. Finding something completely different to do to fill up time is often a great way to start. Ignore the reject.

Take care today, sweetie.

White Dade 5/30/2006 02:23:00 PM  

You make an excellent point. Never letting people in is a good route to go. Either that or contantly talking about yourself to the point that everybody knows everything about you anyways so there really isn't much left to insult. Sorry you got hurt, though. Makes for good gym motivation.

nicole 5/30/2006 08:14:00 PM  

You're right, this really does suck. But you already realize that this choad wasn't worth your time which is more than a lot of people can say. :)

I'm good at the righteous indignation thing. Once I get it through my head that YOU were truly an asshole then it becomes that much easier for me to start the ejection process. But if I'm still teetering on the "He's a good person. Things just didn't work out" tip then it's gonna take a lot longer.

David in DC,  5/30/2006 11:49:00 PM  

Ash:

I often agree with White Dade. He's a funny and incisive writer. But here he's wrong, wrong, wrong. "Never letting people in..." is a terrible way to go.

You gotta open yourself up, even at the risk of hurting again.

A hiatus is fine, even a longish one, but you're way too precious to walk through life alone.

Give yourself time to heal, and then go out and do it all over again. It's the only way to be fully human.

In the meantime, if you're looking for some childish fun, gather a friend or friends and go to CELBRATE FAIRFAX! next weekend.

Cotton candy, ferris wheels, overpriced beer and lotsa cool music. It's a tonic for what ails you, in the short term.

(If you decide to go, and happen to get there by 11:00 a.m. on Saturday or Sunday, check out the children's stage. One of your newest fans will be be playing a 45-minute gig called "Songs for Children ... and Their Parents."

The world's most adorable 8-year-old helps me with duets on a couple of songs --- Puff the Magic Dragon, The Hammer Song, and maybe This Land is Your Land.

And in case this sounds a wee bit stalkerish, I hasten to add that my wife will be there too.)

mgc 5/31/2006 01:12:00 AM  

"mgc- thank-you. But I think this wall will be up for a while now."

ash, david in dc is correct. you are correct. it is ok to have that wall of protection up, especially right now while you are hurting, but to perpetually keep that wall up and even builing it higher after each painful event, will only lead to a very lonely life. keep your wall now, heal, but don't use it to become a bitter person - that is NOT who you are.

Ashburnite 5/31/2006 07:30:00 AM  

mjb- yeah, I've been trying to stay distracted. Care to help? ;-) see, even in my current state, I am still flirtalicious.

white dade- yes, awesome gym motivation- in fact, I did 90 mins of cardio last night...so I guess I can thank him for that.

Ashburnite 5/31/2006 08:08:00 AM  

nicole- "I'm good at the righteous indignation thing."
I am really working on that- trying to see it as him missing out on seeing me and not the other way around.

David- I think for now, not letting people in is what I need.
thanks...I might check that out this weekend.

mgc- I am starting to become bitter. I've always been WAY too trusting, and it's really gotten me hurt.

Jack Yan 6/04/2006 12:01:00 AM  

Ash, don’t ever change. Yes, there may be some painful experiences, but always be true to yourself. The right man will understand, appreciate and love you for who you are.

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